LIBRARY OF CONGRESS. 
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I'MTl-l) STATl-S OF AMKRICA. 



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lOwtoWorj^e 



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Ili03e ilppoiptniepte 

Secretary o/ State. 
Secretary of Treasury. 
Justice Supreme Court 
Minister to Russia. 
Minister to France. 
' Consul to Liverpool. 
I Governor New Mexico. 
Collector Customs — 
Clerk. Clerk. Clerk. 
"Anderson 

" Consul 

' in a 'Warm climate." 
R. B. 



leetion 



As EXPOl///bED BY 

VAf\iousP(\oxi/^E/rj 

lj/THESPAf\KLI//(^ 





r Pi^sideiItialCo/^est 

•"U^/bEt^THE AUSPICES OF 



The TALENTED Civil Service 
Reform Combination 

\ 

COMPILED FROM NEWSPAPERS AND OTHER EQUALLY 
RELIABLE SOURCES 



How TO Become President; 

OR, 

The New Doctrine of Election, 



AS EXPOUNDED EV 



Varioii? Pfominept Mtor? in the Sparkling Copiedy 



ENTITLED 



(( 



Ciphers and Returning Boards," 

Plafed with Great Success during the Presidential Contest in 18/fi, 

UNDER THE AUSPICES OF THE TALENTED 



li 



Civil Service Reform Combination. _ , ^^^ 



Compiled prom Newspapers and other Equally Reliable 
Sources by 

"OUR MUTUAL FRIEND." 



0' 'i^ 



o.MlL/L 



'^TQ ^^Q'^/y 



WASHINGTON, D. C: 
National Republican Printing and Publishing Company. 

1879. 



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,^(a-. 



Copyrighted, 1879, ^y 
The National Republican Printing and Pcblishing Company 



ALL RIGHTS RESERVED. 



DEDICATION. 

TO THE PUBLIC AT LARGE, 
AND ESPECIALLY 
To all aspiring statesmen small or great 
Whose pulses throb with fever Presidential — 
To politicians who so glibly prate 
About the freeman^ s ballot as potential — 
To him whose guilt, if any, was in winning 
The Chair Executive — exalted seat — 
And him who failed, if fail he did, in sinning 
And thought it great misfortune to be beat ; — 
I dedicate this book, whose only end 
Is to be read by all. 

''OUR MUTUAL FRIEND." 

]VaSHINGTON, yViARCH, 1879 



Table of Contents. 



Act the First. 

Scene 1 — The candidate who has one eighty-four 
Takes steps to get just one elector more. 

Scene 2 — And he who hopes he has one eighty-five 

Takes steps to keep that blessed hope alive. 

Scene 3 — The "woman in the case " comes on the stage 
To play her little part with hoary age. 

Scene 4 — Shows how Returning Boards may be a^jproached 
And how a scheme to buy them should be broached. 

Scene 5 — Reveals how honest men should scorn a trade 
Unless the price agreed upon be paid. 

Scene 6 — Shows how a telegram from " Hampton's land " 
"With certain propositions, came to hand. 

Scene 7 — Exhibits, briefly, some few passing scenes 
Affecting the Returns, in Xew Orleans. 

Scene 8 — Concerning some one's ti-ip to Baltimore 
To pay that eighty thousand dollars o'er. 

Scene 9 — "That woman " comes again ; and now 'tis clear 
Why she attenipts an old man's heart to cheer. 

Scene 10 — Shows how the South Carolina trade was ' ' busted, ' ' 
And how one man, at least, became disgusted. 

Scene 11 — Concerning certain telegrams from Moses, 

Fox, Bush and Ladd, and what each one discloses. 



i TABLE OF CONTENTS. 

Scene 12 — A Quadroon ball where many statesmen rare 
Find relaxation from each heavy care. 

Scene 13 — The ciphergrams are read, and you'll agree 
They're scarcely dangerous without the key. 

Scene 14 — That "Sherman letter." Jenks. An end to trouble. 
"Throw out all votes for Tildeu — count ours double." 

Scene 15 — The colonel steals some telegrams, whUe able, 
He happens to see lying on a table. 

Scene 16 — And not forgetting what he has in hand 

He gives them to his sweet-heart, as 'twas planned. 



Act the Second. 

Scene 1 — Relating to the people's sov'reign will. 
And the Electoral Commission Bill. 

Scene 2 — The man who wa'n't elected gets the news 
That he is President, and gives his views. 

Scene 3 — The vote stands eight to seven, as announce d. 
Hayes will be counted in, and Tildeu bounced. 

Scene 4 — The Colonel goes to see his darling Kate 
And finds himself a fool — alas ! Too late. 

Scene 5 — The Hayes Commission visit New Orleans, 
And here one gets a peep behind the sce;^ s. 

Scene C — They visit NichoUs ; who lays down the law, 
And then, to do his will, they all withdraw. 

Scene 7 — The Packard men explain their views in brief 
And bring the noble statesmen's plans to grief. 



TABLE OF CONTENTS. 5 

Scene 8— Packard accepts. The Civil Service School 
Will make him consul soon at Liverpool. 

Scene 9— "I've done your bidding, and my work's well done. 
I want to be a consul. Anderson." 

Scene 10 — Paying one's debts before it is too late, 
And Civil Servicing a candidate. 



Act the Third. 



Scene 1 — Investigation fails to make her tell 

Who signed "that letter," though she knows full well. 

Scene 2 — The cryptographists enter on their task 
Resolved the secret ciphers to unmask. 

Scene 3— The key is found, and Tilden's friends agree 
They all will suffer rather than should he. 

Scene 4 — An uncle drives a nephew from his door 
And bids him keep away for evermore. 

Scene 5 — Two disappointed office seekers meet, 

And briefly all their grievous wrongs repeat. 

Scene 6 — The man who ought to be the President 
Proves himself innocent of wrong intent. 

Scene 7 — And says that though his load is rather weighty, 
'Twill make him President in eighteen eighty. 



DRAMATIS PERSONS. 



TiLDEN, Democrat, } Two of the greatest Reformers the world ever saw — rival 
Hayes, Republican, \ candidates for the Presidency. 

Pelton. — Xephew to the Democratic party and Tilden's Con6dential Secretary. 

Hewitt. — Chief Cook and Bottle-washer in the Democratic establishment. 

Moses. — The man with a marble heart, confidential Iriend of Tilden, and good at 
hanging out "danger signals." 

M°Ax ' Three remarkable men of business, friends of Tilden, who are exceedingly 
"We'ed, \ sood at ciphering. 

Cooper. — A reformed politician upon a reform ticket. 

ist, ad, 3d Members OF the South Carolina Returni.ng Board. — Three Ex- 
cellent Republicans who would not sell out unless they got their price. 

Wells, ) Members op the Louisiana Retui-ni.ng Board. The former a 
Anderson, \ truly greaV and good Republican, who, finding it in his power to 

make a President, improved the opportunity. 
Sherman. — ist Republican Visiting Statesman to New Orleans, and the author 

of "that letter." 
1st, 2d, 3d, 4th Republican ) Visiting Statesmen who went to New Orleans to wit- 
ist, 2d, 3d, 4th Democratic \ ness an impossibility. 

Jim Anderson. — The noblest Roman of them all. A Republican who "stood by 
his party," and was subsequently recommended for consul in 
"a warm climate." 

Democratic Counsel, ) Employed by their respective panics to appear before the 
Republican Counsel, \ Louisiana Returning Board and tile protests. 

Bennv, Republican, \ ^^ intelligent witnesses before the Returning Board. 
W hite, Deviocrat, S 

NiCHOLLS, Democrat, ) Rival Claimants for the Gubernatorial Chair of Louis- 
PaCkaRD, Republican, i iana. 

Lawrence,') 

Mc V EiGH, I jigmbers of the Hayes Commission sent to New Orleans to over- 

H AW LE\ , >• J J ij J. jjjg State Government. 

Harlan, 

Brown, J 

9"'"J' I Attaches of the Tribune. Decipherers of the Ciphers. 

Mathews. — Figuratively speaking, "The cat's paw" that pulled the Republican 
I'residential Chestnut out of the Andersonian Fire. 

Col. Twister. — A Doublc-Barrelled Politician, and Candidate for a Consulship 

under the Civil Service Rules. 
Hon. Peleg Puff. — .\ Member of Congress, who thinks the Colonel should be 

remembered. 
Springer, "1 
McMahon, I ^{embers of the Congressional Investigating Committee. 

(jL TLHRf [ 

Reed, J 

Tom. — A Newspaper Reporter; brother to Kate. 
Haves' Secretary. 
Telegraph Boy. 

Kate. — A Spy in the Democratic Camp. 

Mrs. Jcnks. — .\ Female Politician, and political Godmother to the Administration. 

Citizens, &c., &c., &c. 



The New Doctrine of Election. 



FIRST ACT. 



Scene I. — Gramercy Park. Morning after Election. 
S. J. T., newspaper in hand. 

Til. \_Solil.'] I wonder what's the news, yet am 
afraid 
To read, for fear I'll find myself betrayed. 
Ha ! What is this? Zach Chandler's first dispatch, 
Followed by other messages to match — 
I'll read them at a venture, though 'twere wise, 
Perhaps, to pass them by. They're doubtless lies. 
\_ReacU.'] "Hayes' vote one hundred eighty-five. Enough 
To sure elect him. Chandler." Oh, that's stuff. 
Why, it can't be. One hundred eighty-four 
Is all he's got. I've one elector more. 
I'll read no more, but wait for better news. 
Ah! Here's my nephew Now I'll get his views. 

\_ Enter Pelton.] 

Pel. Good morning, uncle. I've a message here 
From Oregon that gives me cause to fear 
The race is lost. You know you're one behind. 
If some elector doesn't change his mind 
Before he votes; and prospects are not fair 
For such event. But yet, we may repair 
The damage done 

Til. That telegram from Grover 



Pel. Says there you're beat four hundred votes or 
over. 



8 HOW TO BECOME PRESIDENT; OR, 

Til. Hal say you so? The Gov'nor's indiscreet 
To say thus soon 'tis his belief I'm beat. 
Dispatch hira right away to hold his peace 
Until some future message gives release. 
And, while you are about it, say, as well, 
That just at present it is hard to tell 
The true result. The matter is in doubt — 
We must have time success to cipher out. 
Say to him, also, that he'd best delay 
Granting certificates, from day to da}-, 
Until we know how many votes are lacking 
To give me Avhat I need — good solid backing. 

Pel. Somebody comes. 

Til. Perhaps some of our friends. 

Pel. If so we'll lay the plans to gain pur ends. 

Til. \_Knock heard.'] Come in. 

[Enter Fox, Max, Moses, Weed, and Hew. 1 

Good morning, gentlemen.' I'm glad 
That you have called; for things are looking bad. 

Pel. I find the papers give the vote to Hayes, 
And fear the Radicals (you know their way.^) 
May take such steps as urgent need requires 
To prove the statement true. One fact inspires 
My heart with hope. 'Tis this : In sev'ral States 
The vote is close. Perhaps the busy fates 
Xow working to defeat, may be controlled 
And made our friends 1 v arQ:uments of £rokl. 

Til. My nephew may be right. I will withdraw 
^\'hik' you discuss the matter. 'Tis a law 
With me, to shield myself, when e'er I can, 
From aught that might defile a public man. 
But this I saj- : "Whate'er yorr judgment Ije — 
"Tis mine already. I with you agree. 



THE NEW DOCTRINE OF ELECTION. 9 



Weed. The money- 



Til. Is all right. My nephew here 

Will furnish it. My hand must not appear. [Exit.] 

Hew. Now to our labors. We must all admit 
The result turns on Florida. 

Moses. Small wit 
Required to see so plain a fact as that 

Pox. [A.?ide.] (We'll make it turn all right, I'll bet 
a hat.) 

Hew. But yet, though this be true, some hope remains 
That we may e'en succeed in making gains 
In other States, before returns are rendered 
Providing speedy arguments are tendered. 
Now I propose all dangers to surmount 
Br sending parties down to see the count. 
Once on the .spot, they proper use can make 
Of every weakness, fraud, or grave mistake 
Of our antagonists. Besides, if made, 
Thev can arranire and consummate the trade. 

Pel. Exactly my opinion. 

Fox, Weed, Moses. We're agreed. 

Hew. Whom shall we send to South Carolina ? 

Pel. Weed. 

Weed. I'll go. 

Hew. And Moses goes to Florida. 

Moses. I'm ready now. I'll start without delay. 

Hew. Take Fox along. Max also. You know both— 
They'll prove of great assistance. 

Max. I'ki not loath. 

It is the very way I would have sought. 

Fox. [Aside.'] (I'll show them how Returning Boards 
are bought.) 



10 now TO BECOME PRESIDENT; OR, 

Hew. Thus far, 'tis settled then. Xow we'll agree 
Upon a cipher for dispatches. See ! 
I here have sev'ral, all arranged with keys, 
And we can use whichever one we please. 
I can assure you they are perfect quite, 
And secret as the dwelling place of night. 

Pel. Our chieftain's orders are, " Be ye discreet. 
Dont pay your money ere you get receipt 
For its full worth ; but use your judgments well 
And let success of earnest efforts tell." 

Hew. Dispatch us often, as you are directed 

Pel. Send them to me, or Havemeyer. I've selected 
His name because my uncle thought it best 
That messages be sometimes thus addressed. 

Moses. Well, I am ofiF. 

Max. And I. 

Fox and Weed. And I. 

Hew. and Pel. Good bye. 

Hew Success attend you. [i/j'i/.] 

Pel. [Calling after.'] PU the funds supply. 

Now by St. G-eorge ! The work is well begun. 
Fll go my uncle tell what has been done. [Exit.] 



Scene II. — A certain place in Ohio. Home of Hayes. 
Present, Hayes and Citizens. Chandler''s Dispatch 
just received. 

H.vYES. I thank you fellow citizens 



Citizens. - Hurrah! 

Hayes. Most heartily for this great honor- 



Democrats in Crowd. Bah! 



THE NEW DOCTRINE OF ELECTION. 11 

Hayes. So unexpected, for I sought it not — 
In fact, I scarce had hoped 'twould be my lot 
To be the President of this great nation. 
But since you say I'm chosen to that station, 
I'll do the best I can to teach reform. 
And, through mij " Civil Service " make it warm 
For politicians whose corrupting ways 
Have shamed all honest folk these many days. 
I thank you, gentlemen, again. Good-night. 

Citizens. Hurrah! Hurrah! Hurrah! 
[Exit Citizens.] 

Hates. \_Solil.'] If Chandler's right, 

I am elected sure. His message here 
Gives me one over Tilden. Xow, 'tis clear, 
That one ensures success, beyond a doubt. 
Unless he sells himself to count me out. 
I think I'll write to Grant, or get a friend 
To do 80 for me, asking him to lend 
Assistance to my cause. Then I'll suggest. 
In view of what may happen, it were best 
To send some statesmen down to see the count. 
And help the Boards all obstacles surmount 
That might else interfere with my election. 
Besides, the canvassers may need protection. 
I'll see to this at once — without delay. 
And those who serve me well I'll promptly pay 
When I am seated in the Chair of State, 
As I must be, in time, in spite of fate. 
And then the world will see a President ! 
The best, in fact, Electors can invent. 



12 UO W TO BECOME PRESIDENT; OR, 

Scene III.— Parlor of Colonel Twister's Residence. \ 

Colonel T. reading over the newspapers. 

Col. T. \^Solil.'] Tilden's elected, all his friends agree, 
Yet how they make it out, I cannot see. 
I know he's sure of all the votes he's got, 
But yet the Radicals, a cursed lot 
Of de.sp'rate rascals, claim Hayes beats him one ; 
And if he does, I am indeed undone. 
Unless I trim my sails in such a manner 
As will enable me, when vict'ry's banner 
Is floated to the breeze, to steer my <vay 
Without vexatious trouble or delay 
Into some oflBce on the winning side, 
Which ever that may be. Blow wind, flow tide, 
And bear me safely on. I'll play them double 
And if I win, 'twill compensate the trouble. 

[Enter Servant.] 

Sebv't. a lady, sir, to see you. 

Col. T. Show her in. 

[Enter Kate. Exit Servant.] 

Good morning, Kate. 

Kate. Good morning. When you win, 
.Is win you must when Tilden's in the chair 

Col. T. Don't speak of it; for trifles light a.s air 
Do sometimes larger than great mountains grow. 
And all our best laid plans and schemes o'er throw. 

Kate, You have bud news ? I feared so when you 
failed 
To call, as is your custom, and prevailed 
Ou brother Tom to grant his escort here 
That I might strive yuiir trouliled heart to cheer. 



THE NEW DOCTRmE OF ELECTION. 13 

Col. T. Ah, Kate, 'tis good of you to give me thought 
At such a time. My brain has been o'er wrought 
By many cares ; but yet, I bring to mind 
Xo instance where your love has not been kind. 

Kate. You have not known me long enough to prove 
My kindness or my love. I fear 

Col. T. Remove 

Such doubts, and ev'ry fear. My faith in you 
Is such, so strong, that naught can it undo. 
And when we see the last of this election 
You shall become the bride of my selection. 
Providing 

Kate. You forget I'm poor indeed. 

Col. T. Providing I get office a,s agreed. 

Kate. Just think ! You've known me scarce an hun- 
^ dred days! 

Col. T. I've known you long enough to learn your 
ways, 
And that I love you 

Kate. I am rather plain 

In my appearance 

Col. T. Tut ! tut ! Please refrain 

From such discourse. You are my promised bride. 
I think you beautiful 

Kate. Perhaps your pride 

May cause you to look down on such as I 
If you perchance succeed — then I shall die. 

Col. T. Believe me, darling, never until now 
Have I met one to whom my heart could bow. 
That one is you. And though I'm rather old, 
To marry, yet, love will not be controlled. 
My mind is fixed. I have determined quite 
(Providing, always, I succeed,) to plight 



U now TO BECOME PRESIDENT; OR, 

My troth with you in marriage. Say no more. ^ 

Kate. You are a friend of Tilden ? O'er and o'er 
I've heard you speak of him as such j 

Col. T. No doubt. ^ 

Kate. And if you are, and love me, you'll find out , 

Ju.st what his chances are — what he has done I 

Since this election bus'ness first begun — 
"VThat his intentions are concernrag States 
In which the vict'ry he with Hayes debates, — 
'Tis merely curiosity — a whim — 
But yet I'd like to know 

CoL. T. Ili.s chance is slim, 

As matters stand, but he is laying wires 
To win success, and hope his soul inspires. 

Kate. The papers say he has one eighty -four i 



Col. T. Yes but he wants just one elector more. 

K.VTE. If that he fails to get then 

Col. T. Hayes will win 

And he be counted out, instead of in. 

Kate. Ah, that is true. But he can surely buy 
That " one elector more " if once he try ? 

Col. T. Yes, yes, he knows it, but his friends are 
trying 
To get one otherwise, ere they go buying. 
I'll know in time, if they perchance succeed, 
For all the plans are laid. 'Tis all agreed. 

Kate. Oh, tell uie what they mean to do, and how 

CoL. T. I would, my love, but I know nothing now. 
His nephew has arranged it. When I learn 
Aught in the matter, knowing your concern 
For these affairs, I'll come to you straight way 
And give you nil the news, without delay. 



THE NEW DOCTRINE OF ELECTION. 15 

Kate. Oh, thank you ! thank you ! Now I must be 
going 
Or else some busy body will be throwing 
A shadow on my name for covoing 

Col. T. Never! 

Come when you like until you come forever. 

Kate. Good bye, then, till we meet 

Col. T. Good-bye, to-morrow, 

I'll see you whether joy is mine, or sorrow. [Exit Kate.] 
I know not what attracts me to her so 
On short acquaintance ; but the truth I know. 
And that is this : I love her. Like a spell 
Her presence charms, but why, I cannot tell. 
I'll do her bidding — nay, I can't refuse. 
Yet 'twere a sin my friendship to abuse 
Bv stealing all the secrets of a friend 
Because a woman wants them for some end. 



Scene IY. — State House, Columbia, S. C, Boom, over 
door of which a sign "For Sale." Enter Weed, 
carpet-hag in hand. 

Weed. [^Reads sign.l^ " P'or Sale." This must be it? 
the very place 
Where men, corrupt and venal, seek disgrace 
As if it were great honor. Shame ! Oh, shame. 
On those who thus profane the honored name 
Of "Freemen;" — who themselves do prostitute 
To such base usages; whose bad rqDute 
Has brought rae hither, spurred b}' honest zeal, 
To buy what Radicals have failed to steal. 
I'll enter — No ! — 'Twcre better first to learn 
TIk^ temper of the Board. Perhaps they'll spurn 



16 now TO BECOME PRESIDENT; OB, 

My offer ; not at honor's beck ! Oh, no, 

But just because they think the price too low. 

Ah, here comes one who seems possessed of sense ; 

I'll sound him, quietly, on some pretense — 

Good morning-, sir. 

M. B. Good niorning. 

"Weed. Is it true 

The votes are canvassed — that the Board is through ? 

M. r>. I am a member, and of course should know — 
If wo had finished I would tell )'ou so. 

Weed. I am delighted that I'm not too late, 
Aud highly pleased to meet you. Happy fate 
That brought us thus together. May I ask 
How soon you hope to finish up your task? 

M. B. Well, that depends. Our duties are perplex- 
ing— 
The politicians arc our spirits vexing 



Weed. I hear — of course 'tis false — you have decided 
To give the State to Hayes 

M. B. We are divided. 

There are considerations moving us, 
But they are insufficient 

Weed. Let's discuss 

This matter further. 

M. B. All right, I'm agreed. 

Weed. Your name 

M. B. That does not matter. 

AVeed. Mine is Weed. 

I come, from those who have a heavy purse, 
With t'lill authority to make disburse 
Of all such sums as may be deemed essential 
To meet the case; and this is my credential. [Shoiva 
Icdcr.'] 



TEE NEW DOCTRINE OF ELECTION. 17 

M. B. Ah, yes ; I see ' This says a " bar'l of money " 
Is waiting for a claimant. 'T would be funny 
If only yesterday we gave to Hayes 
What now you wish to buy. 

Weed, Bat if it pays 
You sure could sell again ? Sell it to me. 
You haven't made delivery 

M. B. I'll see 

And let you know to-night ; meantime, keep dark, 
For we are honest men 

Weed. {^Aside.'] (Grod save the mark !) 

M. B. And must not be betrayed. 

Weed. Where shall we meet ? 

M. B. At my hotel. This card 

Weed. [Looking at cartl] I know the street. 

I'll be there prompt at nine ; and hope your will 
Will be to let me help your pockets fill. 

M. B. Dont speak of it; decisions may be changed. 
The Board's will be if this plan is arranged — 
But not for money. Xo ; we never take it 
Unless we find some easy way to make it. 

Weed. I understand your drift. 

M. B. All right. Good day. [ExiL] 

Weed. Good day to you. And now I will away 
To telegraph to Denmark what I've done, 
And tell him that I think our cause is won. [Exit.] 



Scene V. — State House, Columbia, S. G. Room of 
Returning Board. Present, Members. 

1st M. I tell you 'tis too low. I'll not consent. 
2d M. Nor I. Twice that and I will be content. 



18 now TO BECOME PRESIDENT ; OR, 



3cl M. I am for dealiu;? honcstlv 



o 



1st M. [Aside.;] (Oh, stuff.) 

3cl M. And think the sum that's offered large enough. 
We've sold out one side — now let's sell the other, 
Treatinsr each candidate as thousrh a brother. 
To do so is but common Justice — fair — 
Besides, 'twill help our fortunes to repair. 

2d M. I think, upon reflection, you are right. 

1st M. And so do I. 

3d M. Let's close the deal to-night. 

2d M. My heart misgives me. Gentlemen, I feel 



1st M. Pooh ! don't we sell to those who tried to steal 
The self-same thing from us, and don't we act 
In great good faith ? I meau to keep my pact. 

3d M. I feel no qualms of conscience. We receive 
This money, and it leads us to believe 
Our judgment erred at first. We change our minds. 
Whose business it ? His alone who finds 
That we are honest — (after payment made) — 
In other words, the man who is betrayed. 

1st M. Both parties wink at fraud ; nay, more, suggest 
We do the very thing that suits them best. 
Whether 'tis right or wrong. The ballots cast 
By either side this last election past. 
Were many of them fraudulent. To win. 
Each party thought to stuff the box no sin. 
Why, then, should we feel guilty if we make 
A just decision, and a handsonu- stake '/ 

M M. The failing party surely will not dare 
T'> say we played him false 

1st M. To that I'll swear. 

3d M. Well. I am off to close the bargain. 

2d M. Stay! 



THE NEW DOCTRINE OF ELECTION. IQ 

When shall we get the money ? 

ocl M. Right away. 

2d ^[. Then hurry up, and don't you make a slip 
When we have got the cup thus near our lip. 

3d M. Trust me for that. lExifl 

1st M. Xow shines the sun once more. 

2d M. Let's go and take a drink. 

1st M. The storm is o'er. [^Exeunt.'] 



Scene YI. — Room, Everett Houae, N. Y. City. Present, 
Pelton, Hewitt and Cooper. 

Pel. These telegrams have lately come to hand 
From Weed, whom we sent down to Hampton's land. 
They are in cipher, and if all agree 
I'll read them out, when T have found my key. 

Hew. and Coop. Read, read, by all means ; we are all 
intent 
To know how matters stood when they were sent. 
[Pelton rirujs. Enter Servant.] 

Pel. Go tell my clerk to bring the key he'll find 
Within my cabinet. 

Hew. That brings to mind, 

I left mine all exposed. I hope 'tis safe — 
But yet 'tis useless now to fret or chafe. 

[Eniei' Clerk toitJijug labelled whisky. '\ 

Clerk. This is the only key I 

Pel. \^Aiiide. Seeing Jug.'] (Curse the dunce.) 

Go take that back. Bring me the key at once — 
You understand ? The cipher key, now go, 
And never dare again such wit to show. 

[Exit Clerk and re-enters with key, and then retires.] 



20 now TO BECOME PRESIDENT; OR, 

Now, gentlemen, I'm ready to begin : — 
\_Reads.'] " I've bought the Board. They'll count 

your uncle in 
For Mississippi River " — 

Hew. (That means eighty — ) 

Pel. " Edinburgh "— 

Hew. (That's thousand — ) 

Coop. \_Aside.'] (Surely a weighty 

Question he's handling.) 

Pel. " Copenhagen " — 

Hew. (There, 

That's dollars—) 

Pel. " Amsterdam " — 

Hew. (That's bills.) I swear 

Coop. What shall we do ? 

Pel. Why, let him close the trade 

As soon as transfer of the cash is made. 
He starts to night for Baltimore, and I, 
Go down with funds to give him full supply. 
Hew. What else has he to say ? 
Pel. a lot of stuff — 

Decipher it yourself 

Hew. Oh, that's too tough. 

I couldn't do it if I tried. No matter. 
You've read the most important. Skip the latter. 
Pel. I'll see you later. 
Hew. That's a hint to us 

We should be going. 

Coop. Well, we can discuss 

Those matters further at another place. 

Hew. Good morning, Pelton, see you gain the race. 
[Exit Hew. and Coop.] 



THE NEW DOCTRINE OF ELECTION. 21 

Pel. Xow by St. Paul I The work goes bravely on. 
I'll bag that vote, and one from Oregon. 
I'll off and get the money. Then, to win, 
Will be to see my uncle counted in. [_E.v2t.^ 



Scene YI. New Orleans. Boom occupied by Return- 
Board. Present, Members of Board, Counsel {Rep. 
and D em.) and Visiting Statesmen. 

Wells. We must admit this 



D. C. Xo sir, I protest. 

Wells. This whole return 

D. C. The law does not invest 
Your Board with such a power to 

Wells. Be all wrong. 

R. C. Now I protest. 

D. C. And I will change my song. 

D. Y. S. Let us have peace. Of course I have no 
right 
To interfere, but yet 'tis my delight 
In every case to see full justice done. — 

1st R. Y. S. This isn't justice. Since this count 
begun 

Wells. Peace, gentlemen. The count will now proceed. 
We'll not admit this 

R. C. I protest ! 

D. C. Agreed. 

Wells. This 

R. C. lAsid'.'.'] (That wont do.) 

Wells. Keturn 



1st R. Y. S. \_Aside.'\ (I'd like to know 

If he intends our cause to overthrow.) 



22 HOW TO BECOME PRESIDENT; OR, 

Wells. To be correct. The legal vote, as polled, 
Must be increased at least an hundred fold 
To make amends for votes our party lost 
Through fraud 

1st K. T. S. That's right 

D. C. and D. Y. S. "Protest! Protest!" The cost 
Of such 

R. C. to D. C. Xow I protest. You're out of order. 

D. C. to R. C. You go to — see your friend aci'oss the 
border. 

Wells. You who protest, must file the same in writing. 

Gen. a. That will keep one man all the time inditing. 

Wells. Enough of this. A witness is at hand 
To testify against the White League band. 
He's been bull-dozed, and burglarized, and such, 
And knows of all their devilment. 

I). C. How much 

Has he been paid for coming ? 

R. C. \_Enter witne><s.'] Xot a penny. 

Wells. Be seated, witness. What's your name? 

1st Wit. It's Benny. 

Wells. Are you a negro ? 

1st Wit. 'Spose I is. I'se brack. 

Wells. Where did they shoot you ? 
[P^<^^• hand to shoulder.'] Fotch me hy'ar a crack 

Wells. And did they kill you ? 

D. C. I protest, lie's living. 

R. C. to D. C. Be quiet ; 'tis the witness who is 
li-iving 
This testimony — not yourself [ To icitness.'] Proceed. 

Wells. You must keep quiet, gentlemen. Indeed 
The Board will not permit these side debates ; 
And, more, believes what e'er the witness states. 



THE NEW DOCTRINE OF ELECTION. 23 

iS'ow, witness, tell the Board how, when, and where 
You got your hurts. 

1st. Wit. De fac' am I d'clar 

I don' forgot 

Wells. Xo matter. You can go. \_Exit witness.'] 

P. C. We have a witness waiting down below 

Wells. Let him be called. 

D. C. [Enter witness.'] He's here. 

Wells. Your name ? 

2d Wit. Jim White. 

Wells. What do you know ? 

2d Wit. Nothing but what is right. 
I never saw a " nigger " all my life. 
I never heard a word of fraud or strife. 
I never heard a word of this election 

R. C. Here, if the Board permits — I make objection. 

Wells. File it. [ To ivitiiess.] Go on. 

2d Wit. The country is at peace. 
I like a bit of fun, and to increase 
My zest for pleasure, often take a ride 
By night, with some choice spirits — tan the hide 
Of some d — d radical ere break of day — 
But I assure you 'tis but done for play. 
Sometimes I cut a throat, or shoot a man. 
Or treat a woman roughly, but the plan 
That works the best, and which I most admire 
Is that which treats those devil's imps with fire. 
I'm peaceably disposed — so are my friends ; 
And we but kill and burn to make amends 

Wells. You are excused. This parish is thrown out. 
D. C. I do protest 

Wells. Then file it. 

1st R. V. S. I've no doubt 



24 JIOW TO BECOME PRESIDENT ; OR. 

But what the witness' statements are all true. 
At least I am inclined to take that view. 

1st D. T. S. I move the Board adjourn. 

1st R. T. S. And 'I. 

2d D. T. S. And T. 

Wells. You do astonish me. Your reaso"n why ? 

1st D. T. S. There is a ball to-night, a grand af- 
fair 

2d B. V. S. Where dusky beauties breathe the balmy 
air 

3d D. T. S. We wish to go, to mingle in the dance. 

3d R. T. S. You see we ne'er may have another 
chance. 

Wells. The Board will stand adjourned as you request. 

2d R. Y. S We'll go there in a body. 

2d D. V. S. That were best. 

1st I>. Y. S. Then let's away to meet to-night at 
eight. 

1st R. Y. S. All right. We must make haste ; 'lis 
getting late. \_E.Teunt all.'] 



Scene YIII. — Gramercy Park. Present, Tilden and 

Pelton. 

Til. I'm glad you've come. What news from any- 
where '? 
How goes the battle ? 

Pel. Ev'ry thing looks fair. 
Weed wants some money 

Til. Well, why hesitate ? 

To change our programme ni>\v were all too late. 



THE NEW DOCTRINE OF ELECTION. 25 

Pel. He wants too much — more than I think you'll 
give; 
For eighty thousand dollars 

Til. As I live, 

That is a pretty fortune — quite a sum — 
But if I pay the money, what's to come ? 

Pel. The State is ours, as Weed's dispatch reports, 
He's bought the Board thus heading off the courts. 

Til. Then give him what he wants. The price is 
high 
But while they're in the market, we must buy. 

Pel. I've pledged myself to go to Baltimore 
And meet Weed there to pay the money o'er. 
I'll start at once, as soon as I've the cash, 
And finish up the bargain. 

Til. Don't be rash, 

But act discreetly. Keep the matter quiet 
Yet when you see 

Pel. a vote to buy I'll buy it. 

Til. Here is my check to cover the amount 
For this transaction. See you make it count. 

Pel. Oh, never fear ; we're certain to succeed 
Now that the Board has sold itself to Weed. 
I always thought you surely were elected 

Til. (I hope this trade will never be detected.) 

Pel. And now no shadow of a doubt remains 

Til. 'Tis said, in Florida I'm making gains ; 
How's that ? 

Pel. I cannot stop to tell you now — 

I must meet Weed to-night, or have a row. 

Til. Well, go at once. Return without delay, 
And telegraph me often, while away. 



26 HOW TO BECOME PEEi<WENT ; OR, 

Pel. I'll keep you posted without fail. 

Til. Good-bye. lExit Pj-l.] 

I'm climbing to success. The end is nigh. 
I've justice on my side, (until found out) — 
And surely I must win, beyond a doubt. [^Exit.'] 



Scene IX. — Kate's residence, N. Y. Kate in parlor 
reading. Enter Tom, ("newspaper reporter.) 

Tom. Well, Kate, how goes the battle ? 

Kate. Slow, but sure. 
The colonel don't suspect me. I'm secure 
In his aflection. But, Tom, I'm ashamed 
To play the part of spy, and to be blamed, 
Perhaps, should this scheme fail, by either side 

Tom. Permit no place where such thoughts may abide. 
You must not fail. Success must be achieved. 
And when it is, you'll feel yourself relieved 
Of ev'ry fear. We'll both be richly paid 
By those whose tools we are 

Kate. But I'm afraid 

I may be made the subject of great scandal ; 
And I'm not sure the game is woriii the candle. 

Tom. Pooh! Pooh! Xo more of this; our cause is 
just. 
Wf'il beat the enemy, so don't distrust. 
But tell me, now, how far have you progressed ? 
Have you learned uuglit ? Has anything expressed 
By Colonel Twister led you to believe 
They're bent on mischief? 

Kate. J shall soon receive 



THE NEW DOC TRINE OF ELECTION. 27 

Some telegrams, in cipher, Tilden's friends 
Transmit from time to time. 

Tom. Then all depends 

"Upon the ke}'. 

Kate. I'll try and get that too 
But if I make a miss, 'twill rest on you 
To get them studied out. I'll do my best 



Tom. You get the ciphers and I'll do the rest. 
But now I must be off. Good-bye, dear Kate, 
Until to-morrow. 

Kate. Good-bye. {_Exit Tom.] Oh, I hate- 

Nay, I despise this part that I am playing — 
'Twill surely ruin me. There's no use saying 
The end in view will justify the means. 
The saying is not true. My judgment leans 
Over against my promise. I relent, 
E'en now — e'en now am tempted to repent — 
Abandon this disgraceful, wretched scheme — 
But yet, I cannot ; I must sail the stream 
I have embarked upon. Regrets are vain. 
I needs must persevere, come joy — come pain. 



Scene ^.—Parlor, Barnum'n Hotel, Baltimore. Pre- 
sent, Felton and Weed. Pelton icith letter and tele- 
gram. 

Weed. The mone}' — did you l)ring it ? 

Pel. Yes, but fear 

'Twill do vou little good. This letter here 
I've just received. My uncle bids me hold 
And not pay o'er the money till I'm told. 



28 HOW TO BECOME PRESIDENT ; OR, 
You see, he's had some news since 



Weed. This beats— Well ! 

What shall I do ? Have you no more to tell ? 
I'm in a fix. Those fellows will not wait 
And we shall lose the vote, as sure as fate. 

Pel. I cannot help it. If I could I would. 
I've telegraphed, and done the best I could. 
You see, in Florida they're buying too, 
And uncle thinks one State alone will do. 

Weed. Then why the devil wasn't I informed ? 

Pel. The letter says my uncle fairly stormed 
When first he learned two States were being bought 
To get the single vote for which he sought. 
Xobody knew it ere I left, I'm sure, 
But ev'ry one deemed matters all secure. 

Weed. The telegram you've got 

Pel. Bids me say this : 

If Moses, Fox, and Max should make a miss 
Then Weed shall have the money he requires- 



AVeed. Just tell your uncle Weed henceforth retires 
From serving him 

Pel. Reflect before you speak. 

'Tis known abroad my uncle's cause is weak. 
He needs your counsel, your assistance, too — 
Come, go with me. I'll find you work to do. 

Weed. No, I'll go home. You've no more use for me. 

Pel. Go to Columbia then 

Weed. I'll ne'er agree 

To set my foot in that d — d town again. 

Pel. Go where you like. Go to the devil, then. 
But stop ! I beg your pardon. Please forget 
My hasty spoken words. 

Weed. I will ; but yet, 



THE NEW DOCTRINE OF ELECTION. 29 

I am not satisfied. The game is lost 

Through your neglect. You'll find so to your cost. 

Pel. 'Tis not my fault. I did not make mistake ; 
I acted in good faith 

Weed. For Heaven's sake, 

Don't try to whip the devil round the stump. — 
As sure as every camel has a hump 
The fault is yours. Else you would have arranged 
About this matter, and, when plans were changed 
Have sent me word. 

Pel. The money is all right — 

?,Iy uncle says so. Go with me to-night 
And see him for yourself. He'll say the same 
He writes to me, to you. 

Weed. Then whose the blame ? 

Pel. I tell you that my uncle thought it best 
To make delay, for reasons I suggest. 
He deemed it useless to increase expense 
Beyond our need for making good defense. 
If efforts to buy Florida succeeded, 
He thought the South Carolina vote not needed ; 
Hence, bade me say, "Tell Weed to further wait 
Until " 

Weed. The chance is gone. 'Till 'tis too late. 

Pel. The time has not yet passed to win success. 
Go back with me and you shall have redress 
For fancied wrongs. Besides, we need you there 
In case we blunder, to help make repair. 

Weed. Let's hear no more. I will consent to go, 
Though I feel hurt at this, my overthrow. 
I'll labor on until we reach the end 
Of this afiair. On me you may depend. \_Exeunt both.'] 



20 HOW TO BECOME PHE^^IDEXT ; OB, 

Scene XI. — L'ouin, Everett House, X. Y. Present, 
Pelton, Heicett, Weed, and Cooj)er. 

Pel. It seems Returning Boards consist of knaves 

Weed. I wish they all were in forgotten graves. 

Pel. They have no consciences, but put their figures 
Higher than if each vote was fift}' '' niggers " 
Put up for sale in good old slav'ry days 
Before Returning Boards were known 

Coop. Or Hayes. 

Hew. What vexes you ? 

Pel. This telegram from "Moses." 

Weed. What does it say ? 

Pel. It says the Board proposes 
To give at any hour a just decision 
In Tilden's favor, if we make provision 
For needed funds to pay the price they ask 
Ere yet they shall liave finished up tht-ir task. 
Steam's own certificate attached will Ijo 

Hew. Give us the figures, that we all may see 
What best to do. 

Pel. He says they ask " Moselle" 

Weed. (Two) \_Interpreting as Pelton reads.^ 

Pel. "Glasgow'" 

Weed. (Hundred ) 

Pel. "Edinburgh" 

Weed. "oh, h— 11! 

That makes two hundred thousand ! — 
Hew. I declare! 

The price is high enough to make one swear. 

Coop. And that's from Moses, too 

Pel. Yes, cur.se his heart, 

It mu.st ])v marltlt-' all. or else in part. 



THE NEW DOCTRINE OF ELECTION. 31 



Coop. He should have beeu more cautious in his deal- 
ing! 
Weed. Why, d — n it, man, 'tis just as bad as steal- 
ing. 
Pel. Ha ! Here is one more sensil)le, from Fox. 
He says that half a hundred thousand, knocks 

The props from underneath the enemy 

Coop. . That's pure reform. My ticket. 

Weed, I should say 



Hew. Accept his proposition. " Warsaw " Moses 
"Bolivia Brazil." What Pox proposes 
Meets my approval. Wire him right away 
To "do it only once " without delay. 

[Pel. ojjens another telegram.'^ 

Pel. This calls for money also. 

Hew. Oh, 'tis clear 

They all want money. Read it. Let us hear 

How many hundred thousand million more 

Is wanted ere this buying votes be o'er. 

Pel. This is from Oregon. And Bush and Ladd 
Want just eight thousand dollars — want it bad. 
It is for Kelly to fix up a job 
To get one vote for us 

Weed. Why don't they rob 

Your uncle all at once ? He'll bankrupt be 
Before the bottom of this thing we see. 

Pel. Don't speak so strong; success were cheap in- 
deed 
At any cost. 

Weed. Well, let him bleed and bleed. 
I could have saved him much of what he's paying 
Had I not been upset by his delaying. 



S2 HOW TO BECOME PRESIDENT ; OR, 

Hew. Let Kelly have the mouev. 'Tis but right. 

Pi;l. I'll go and send it now. Good night. 

Hew. Good night. 

If these schemes fail, then are we surely lost. \_Exit Pel.] 

Coop. But Tilden foots the bills, whate'er the cost. 

Weed, We ought not to complain if he is throwing 
His money to the dogs. 

Hew. Well, let's be going. [^Eiceunt all.'] 



Scene XII. — Ball room, New Orleans. Present, Quad- 
roons, dancers, Republican and Democratic Visit- 
ing Statesmen, and spectators. 

1st R. T. S. Ah, this is what my eyes have longed 
to see — 
Equality of races. 

1st D. y. S. I'll agree 
'Tis rather pleasant. Yet, a sense of duty 

2d R. T. S. I never saw so much of dusky beauty ! 
They really are enchanting 

2d D. V. S. Take my arm. 

Let's mingle in the crowd. 'Twill be no harm. 

2d R. Y. S. All right. We'll promenade, and show 
the masses 
Assembled here we are not foes but 

2d D. Y. S. Asses. 

1st R. Y. S. I mean to dance, if I can only find 
A partnor wholly suited to my mind. 

Lst I). Y. S. 'Twill doubtless help you 10 count Pack- 
ard in. 
[Aside.] (I'd dance myself wore dancing not a sin.) 



THE NEW DOCTRINE OF ELECTION. SS 

'Twill do no harm at least to try a waltz. 

1st R. Y. S. I think not. Ev'ry statesman has his 
faults. 
This is a little one, if one it be 

1st D. Y. S. We must have relaxation 



1st R. Y. S. I agree 

And think you'd better, just for once, determine 
To let your scruples die. Come, try a German. 

1st D. Y. S. A break-down would be better. And 
again 
The German's not the thing for public men. 
We give no favors save we are repaid 

1st R. Y. S. Well, suit yourself. To dance I'm not 
afraid. 

3d R. Y. S. By George 1 This is enjoyment. What 
a crowd 1 

1st D. Y. S. There's Sh 

3d R. Y. S. Elush! Never mention 
names aloud. 
See over yonder — standing near the wall — 
That slim, thin, skinny figure — at a ball! 
Who would have thought it. One of your men, too 

3d D. Y. S. Well, we're all here — he'd nothing else 
to do. 
Who is that by his side ? Looks like a preacher. 

3d R. Y. S. Why, that is one of us. 

3d D. Y. S. A glorious creature 

He's talking to. He's feeling good, that's clear. 

2d R. Y. S. I do not think it strange 

1st D. Y. S. It seems right queer 

To see men loaded with the cares of State 
Unbend themselves so easily 

2d R. Y. S. You prate 



34 ^OW TO BECOME PRESIDENT ; OR, 



About the iuequality of race- 



1st D. V. S. Oh, that's political- 



2rl R. y. S. Yet you embrace 

The present opportunity to revel 

With dusky beauties here 

1st D. Y. S. Go to the devil ! 

3d D. Y. S. I say that Nicholls won. 
1st R. Y. S. That is not so. 

Packard's the man. \Yells told me ; he should know. 
4th R. Y. S. I think that both sides should be counted 

out, 
4th D. Y. S. If that were done, then Hayes goes up 

the spout. 
4th R. Y. S. Ah, that is true. I'll take back what 

I said. 
2d R. Y. S. I'm going home. Wc all should be in 

bed. 
4th D. Y. S. I think the room is getting rather warm. 
1st R. Y. S. The Civil Service system needs reform. 

1st D. Y. S. Xeeds ventilation 

2d D. Y. S. Come, let us away. 

'Tis long past midnight ; soon it will be day. 

4th R. Y. S. All right; I'm coming. Get our friends 

together. 
3d D. Y. S. They mostly seem to be in Jolly feather. 
1st D. Y. S. Let politicians spout, and plead, and 
rant 
Concerning social laws 



1st R. Y. S. I really can't. 

1st D. Y. S. I don't know what they are ; at least, 
so far 
As they would shut my eyes to any star 



TUE NEW DOCTRINE OF ELECTION. 35 

Because 'twere black, if such thing e'er could be 

2d D. Y. S. Well, who is ready to go home with me. 
2d R. T. S. We all are ready. 
1st D. Y. S. I— 

1st R. Y. S. And I— 

3d D. Y. S. And I. 

3d R. Y. S. Then start at once. The rising sun is 
nigh. \_Exeunt all.'] 



Scene XIII. — Gramercy Park. Present, Tilden and 

Pelton 

Pel. I've brought you all the ciphergrams received 
From ev'ry source, that you may feel relieved 
From all suspicion of improper dealing 
Concerning buying votes, or even stealing. 
When I have read them o'er you will admit 
They're really harmless — can't hurt you a bit. 

Til. Who are they from? 

Pel. Fox, Gabble, Moses 

Til. Well, 

Just skip the others. What have they to tell ? 

Pel. [_Pi.eads.'] " Met, this, here, safe, noon, Weldon, 
Rome, arrived " 

Til. [^Afiide.'] (I wonder how the devil he survived.) 

Pel. "Well, not, things, have, at, look, although, of 
Ed," 
"Fox, Webster, on, sick, Thomas, back, a-head." 

Til. That seems to give us all the bottom facts — 
Who is it from ? 

Pel. The signature is Max. 



36 SiO W TO BECOME PRESIDENT; OR, 

Til. What does he say ? I cannot understand 
His meaning. 

Pel. Oh, he's doing your command. 

Til. Well, take the next one. Read the others 
through 
And then we'll take good counsel what to do. 

Pel. [_Reads.'] " News, very, say, to from, can, Copen- 
hagen " 
" Us, mixed, insure, you, count, if 

Til. [Aside.'] (Was sie sagen ?) 

Pel. " Things, here, what, give, am. out, a, to, indeed, 
Intend, placed, you, few, Louisiana, Weed." 

Til. That sounds quite sensible. I'm sure 'tis true 
And brings some radical's base plot to view. 
But read the rest. I'm anxious to be done 
With these small matters. Half the battle's won. 

Pel. [Beads.'] " Half, twelve, less, thirty, may, eleven, 
winning" 



Til. You go too fast ; begin at the beginning. 

Pel. [Beads.] " Give, ten, additional, for, sixteen, 
seven " 

Til. I'm quite disgusted with the man. By Heaven ! 
There's not a bit of sense in what he's saying 

Pel. [Beads.] " Sixteen, lieutenant, Russia " 

Til. He's delaying 

The whole arranscment. We are in a box 
And yet he sends no word of comfort 

Pel. [Bead.^.] "Fox." 

Til. Well? 

Pel. [Beads.] " Sixteen, thirteen, make, fetch, forty, 
half" 

Til. What nonsense! Does he take me fur a calf? 



THE NEW DOCTRINE OF ELECTION. 37 

Pel. [i?f?atZ.s.] " Can, twelve, eleven, you, say, two, 



Til. Xo, thank you, I respectfully decline. 

Pel. \_Reads.'] " If, twenty, twelve, immediately, then, 
Two, forty, half, of, twelve, eleven, ten." 

Til. Oh, Lord, I'm sick. My brain begins to reel. 
But let me hear what more he's to reveal. 

Pel. [Reads.'] " Jane, making, Moses, I, to, William, 
glueing " 

Til. I wonder now what mischief is a brewing. 

Pel. [Readi^.'] "Last, proposition, stop, from, Israel, 
making, 
To, captain, privately, fetch, Israel, taking " 

Til. There's Israel again ; but naught discloses 
Whether 'tis Israel indeed, or Moses. 

Pel. \_Reads.'] " Cook, France, infernal, B, nobody, 
writes " 

Til. I wonder who his message then indites ? 

Pel. [Beads.'] "Electors, scoundrels, Chandler, Moses, 
bring," 

Til. Wonderful man ! 

Pel. [Reads.] " Shall I not fire-bell ring, 

In night." 

Til. No, no ! Why kick up such a fuss — 

If he does that, there'll be a pretty muss. 

Pel. [Reads.] " Warsaw, they, are, read, idiots, un- 
changed." 

Til. That's true, or else the sender is deranged. 

Pel. [Reads.] " Can't situation, Henry, Havemej^er, 
last." 

Til. I'm glad your getting through. 

Pel. The worst is past. 



38 IIOW TO BECOME PRESIDENT ; OR, 

Til. Then go ahead. To beat that rascal Hayes 
I'd listen to such nonsense all my days. 

Pel. \_R(md,-i.'] "First, then, long-, river, Danube, War- 
.?aw, read, 
Thomas, Potomac, Schuykill." 

Til. That's from Weed. 

I know it, for 'tis neither rhyme nor reason. 
And, like a quail in summer, out of season. 

Pel. [_Reads.'] " Bad, weather, here '' 

Til. I hope 'tis not too warm. 

Pel. \_ReatU.'] " Charles, try, lieutenant, captain, bad, 
through, storm." 

Til. That's good advice ; I hope they'll follow it. 

Pel. \_Reads.'] " Havana, Russia." 

Til. Xephew wait a bit — 

I cannot make that out 

• Pel. [^Read!^.'] "Try, Laura, Jane, 
From, Israel, the, children, yet, remain '" 

Til. I wish I had him here in sound of voice — 
I'd learn him better than suggest a choice 
Of brides for me. 

Pel. [_Reads.'] " Greece, Captain, Daniel." 

Til. Never I 

Is this d — d nonsense to go on forever? 

Pel. \_Reads.'] " Kneel, sauce-box, scarify, your, heart, 
admonished " 

Til. To hear such language ! Really, I'm astonished. 

Pel. [^Reads.'] " Unlandlockod, to, untransomed, match, 
to, sleeper." 

Til. The man is mad, and late escaped his keeper. 
Is that the last? 

Pel. No. 

Til. Well, I'll take 'em all, 

In one sweet dose, like physic iii a l)all. 



THE NEW DOCTRINE OF ELECTION. 39 

Pel. \^ReacU.'] " Finished, already, last, night, Laura, 
Fox " \_Hesitates.'\ 

Til. Go on ! My heart is steeled 'gainst sudden 
shocks. 

Pel. \_Beads.'] "Found, Moses" 

Til. Ah, the rascal, so I thought! 

He gets in mischief only to be caught. 

Pel. IReacU.'] "And, said, he, saddle Blackstone, 
Russia, tell " 

Til. Confound that Moses 1 Wish he was in— Well ! 
Let's hear the rest. 

Pel. IReads.l "Bolivia, nothing, had, 
I, knew, already, yesterday " 

Til. Too badl 

Pel. \_Reads.'] " Lima, should, Hudson, be, to, War- 
saw, willing." 

Til. Oh, how he murders grammar. This is killing. 

Pel. {_Reads.'\ " Unite, with, Africa, can't, Jane, to- 
night " 

Til. I'd like to know if Jane be black or white. 

Pel. \_Reads.'\ " Have, Rhine, Potomac, Mississippi, 
level, 
" Of, Edinburgh, Chicago " 

Til. Oh, the Devil ! 

Pel. [iSeacZs.] "And, Amsterdam, all, parties, up, 
the river " 

Til. Good gracious ! What a damn ! It makes me 
shiver. 

Pel. [7?earZ.^.] " To, Rochester, or, Russia, try, the, 
Thames, 
And, Copenhagen, Danube, packs, the, James, 
Gods, fear, of Sunday " 



40 no W TO BECOME PRESIDENT; OR, 

Til. Stop ! I'll hear no more. 

That's worse profanity than when he swore. 
Satan must be the master whom he serves — 
Try something else more soothing to the nerves. 

Pel. All right! Here's one. \_Read3.'] "Inform, 
Spain, matters, tea" 

Til. I'd like to know what that's to do with me ? 

Pel. [_Reads.'] "By, London, agent, Jo, news'' 



Til. That's bad grammar. 

Pel. {^Reads.'] " Their, January, friends, inform, have, 
hammer" 

Til. Oh, Lord! I'm going crazy. 

Pel. [Reads.'] "June, is, Jo." 

Til. Much more like this — I to the mad-house go. 

Pel. [Reads.] " Chicago, is, too, heavy, Spain, involv- 
ing " 

Til. My head is going round, my brain disolving. 

Pel. [Reads.] " Re-duplicate, with, paregoric, rook." 

Til. I'll not a drop. I swear it by the Book. 

Pel. [Reads.] Broach, Hewitt's, lottery " 

Til. " Is Hewitt gambling? 

That means so, or my senses have gone rambling. 

Pel. [Reads.] " If, pains, corporeal, the, fallow, peat." 

Til That's bosh. 

Pel. [Reads.] " Embezzle, woman." 

Til. Indiscreet. 

Pel. [Reads.] " Bisect, the, carcass, immolate out- 
right 

Til. They must be heathen. Bless me, what a sight! 

Pel. [Reads.] " Or, balconv, the, dormouse." 

Til. How unfeeling 

Must be the heart such sentiments revealine. 



THE NEW DOCTRINE OF ELECTION. 41 

Pel, You see from these dispatches, things are mov- 
ing. 
Til. I hope the ones who sent them are improving. 
They sure are mad, or else been on a spree. 
No person sane would send such trash to me. 

Pel. Here is another [Reads.'] " Bisculous, top, 

usher " 

Til. Now by my soul ! That first word is a crusher. 
Pel. [Beads.'] "By, vizier, purchase, act, afar, with, 
cunning " 



Til. I'd really like to know for what he's gunning. 
That first word sounds like swearing. 

Pel. [Reads.] " Cuttle, Kountz, 

Spiniferous, misapprehension, bounce, 
Yizier, we, latch, alb, doltish, hot-house, answer, 
Had, merciless, survivor, gabble, dancer, 
Conceded, cunning, sojourners, and, cramp." 

Til. [Aside.] (Oh, Lord! Another of the crazy 
stamp.) 

Pel. [Reads.] "Squab, taster, brazen, welcome, ven- 
om, grout " 

Til. Who's that from ? 

Pel. Kelly. 

Til. Drunk, beyond a doubt. 

Pel. [Reads.] "Association, grouse, empiric, dine" 

Til. T will, I will. 

Pel. [Reads.] " Yibration, swallow." 

Til. Wine, 

Pel. That finishes them all. 

Til. Me too, almost. — 

One moment later, and I'd been a ghost. 



42 SOW TO BECOME PRESIDENT; OR, 

Pel. Now I must leave you, and at once away 
To Hewitt and the rest, without delay. 
You see there's nothing wrong in these dispatches 

Til. I couldn't make them out, except in patches — 
I fear the men who sent them have been straying 
In crooked paths, and that, while thus delaying 
To do our will, the enemy will find 
Some means to do us evil. 

Pel. That's unkind. 

Til. You're sure I'm safe from danger of defeat? 
If not those telegrams you'd best repeat. 
They constitute a fearful dose, but yet, 
To save myself I'd take them. Don't forget. 

Pel. If you're not .safe, to make you so we'll try. 
I must be going. Briefly, then, good-bye. \^Exit.'] 

Til. xind I will go and dine, then take a rest. 
And try those d — d dispatches to digest. \^Exit.'] 



Scene XI Y. — Parlor P, St. Charles Hotel, New Orleans. 
Present, Republican Visiting Statesmen. 

1st R. Y. S. 'Tis true beyond a doubt, the State is lost. 

2d R. Y. S. Then we must gain it back, whate'er 
the cost. 
'Twill never do to let Sam Tildeu win 

1st R. "V . S. He's won already 

2d R. Y. S. But not counted in. 

1st R. Y. S. Ah ! That is true. What plan would 
you suggest 
To beat the enemy ? 

2d R. Y. S. Oh. vou kii-nv best. 



THE NEW DOCTRINE OF ELECTION. 48 

You are our caudidate's warm bosom friend 
Aud oa your judgment will his cause depend. 

3d R. V. S. The only way our cause can be restored 
Is through the intervention of the Board. 

If they'll agree to throw out votes enough 

4th R. V. S. But won't the people think it rather 

rough ? 
1st R. Y. S. No matter what they think. We must 
not fail. 
Returning Boards are pure. Let truth prevail. 

2d R. Y. S. I see a way to end our ev'ry trouble. 
Throw out all votes for Tilden— count ours double. 
3d R. Y. S. No; that won't do. We must our acts 
disguise 
And clothe the naked truth with specious lies. 

1st R. Y. S. I have a plan that surely must succeed. 
'Tis this : Find out how many votes we need 
And then reduce the Democratic gain 
By filing protests, which we can sustain 
By evidence at hand. Then, where we find 
Republicans have surely run behind, 
Increase their vote to what it ought to be 
To give our side a fair majority. 
The Board, you see, will follow our dictation 
In all these matters. And my close relation 
To him whose cause we serve convinces me 
That he, in all these matters, will agree. 

4th R. Y. S. But who w'll make the protests ? 'Tis 
well known 

The time has passed for filing them 

1st R Y. S. I've shown 



44 SOW TO BECOME PRESIDENT; OR, 

The way to wiu success. I'll find the tools 
To do the work, or father all the fools. 

2d R. V. S. But have you seen the Board ? 

1st R. Y. S. Oh, they're all right. 

To do our will will be their chief delight. 
Of course, if we succeed they must be paid 
For doing what is just. They're not afraid, 
But think each workman worthy of his hire 
Who proves to all the world that truth's a liar. 

2d R. Y. S. Ha ! Some one comes. Be cautious. 
Be discreet. 
The people must not know that we are beat. 
[Enter Mks. .Tenks rcithoiit knocking.'^ 

1st R. Y. S. Madam, your name, and. what's your 
business here ? 

Mrs. J. I'm Mrs. Jeuks. ]\[y bus'ness I'll make clear 
If you'll but listen. I'm from Louisiana, 
And I'm a staunch Republican. 

R. Y. S. \_All.'] Ilosanna! 

Mrs. J. I've come to help you through with this aifair, 
Providing, always, that you treat me square. 
I have two comrades — Weber, Anderson, 
Who, for an office when the thing is done, 
Will make such protests as will count Hayes in. 

2d R. Y. S. Well, let them go ahead — the work begin. 

Mrs. J. They first must have some guaranty from 
you. 

1st R. Y. S. Then write us one. Most anything will 
do— 
We'll sign it. 

Mrs J. Thank you. Then I'll write it out, 

And show you that I know what I'm about. [^Writes.'] 



THE NEW DOCTRINE OF ELECTION. 45 

There. It is done. I'll read it. [Reads.^ " Gentleaien : 

Your note of even date received. I pen 

This answer : None with me, nor Mr. Hayes, 

Xor will the country, for these many days, 

Forget their obligation if you stand 

Most firmly by the work you have in hand. 

My knowledge of the President to be, 

Is such, that I am justified, you see. 

In promising you every kind attention, 

And other proper treatment, not to mention 

The means, providing you would leave the State, 

To help you from this fearful land of hate. 

These shall be yours when March days number four, 

Or speedih^ thereafter. I'll say more. 

In Hayes's name I guarantee you each 

A place beyond all want, and danger's reach." 

Who'll sign this ? 

R. Y. S. All. 

Mrs. J. No, leave me, to determine — 

Ah, here's the one— [turning to 1st R. V. S.'] You sign it. 

1st R. Y. S. Done. ^Signs.'] 

Mrs. J. \ Reading signature.'] "John Sherman." 

There, that will do. They'll make the protests now 
When they receive this letter. I know how, 
You have perceived, no doubt, to manage it. 

1st R. Y. S. You surely have your share of woman's 
wit. 

Mrs. J. You'll please excuse me now, I must away. 
They're waiting for me. I must not delay. 
Perhaps I'll see you later If I fail 

1st "r. Y. S. I won't forget. 

2d R. Y. S. To that I'll go your bail. 

\_Exit Mrs. Jenks.] 



46 SOW TO BECOME PRESIDENT; OR, 

Scene XY. Gramercy Park. Present, Tilden. En- 
ter Colonel Twister. 

Til. Ah, Colonel, glad to see you. Take a seat. 
Tell me the latest news. 

Col. T. Hayes is a cheat. 

Til. Oh, that is old. I knew that long ago. 
Col. T. He's trying the election to o'erthrow. 
He's sent his tools to Florida, to steal 
The State from you. He's trying to conceal 
His desp'rate game by publishing abroad 
That you're the one attempting all the fraud. 

Til. Why, I know naught of what is being done 
In my behalf 

Col. T. 'Tis better thus to shun 
All knowledge of events. It shows you're wise, 
And proves the charges made by Hayes, arc lies. 
But what are these I see — this package 

Til. Read, 

And satisfy yourself. 

C )L. T. I will indeed. [Examines package.'] 
I see they're telegrams, but d — d a word 
Can I make out. They're ciphers! 

Til. [^Innocently.'] So I've heard. 

CoL. T. [Reads.] •' Have, Rhine, all, parties, Amster- 
dam, to, be," 

Til. That don't make sense, so far as 1 can see. 

Col. T. [Raad!<.] " Safe, Baltimore, inscription, Sun- 
day, notes, 
Packs, Copenhagen " 

Til. [laterrupling.] Tell me, have the votes 

In Florida been clearly ascertained ? 
I hear that there I've onf ol.f-tor gained. 



THE NEW DOCTRINE OF ELECTION. 47 

Col. T. And so do I. But yet the matter stands 
In statu quo. Stearns favors Hayes' demands 
[Col. Twister unobserved by Tilden puts papers in pocket.'i 

That he shall make the canvass. But he won't. 
He'll let the Board do that. They'll stand the brunt. 

Til. 'Tis strange that Hewitt fails to call, or send 
To let me know how we approach the end. 

Col. T. I'll go and see him, if you like 

Til. Yes, do. 

Col. T. And soon return. [Exit.'] 

Til. [Galling after.'] Bring Hewitt back with you. 
This worry and suspense is killing me ; 
Yet am I helpless. Would that I were free 
From all these troubles, that I might enjoy 
My coming honors free from care's alloy. [Exit.] 



Scene XVI. — Parlor, Kate's residence. Kate reading. 

Servant. The Colonel waits below. He bid me say 
He has good news. 

Kate. I'll see him right away. 

Just show him up, and say to all who call. 
While he is here, I'm not at home. That's all, 

[Exit Servan't. Enter Colonel Twister.] 

Kate. Good morning. Colonel 

Col. T. Same to you, my dear. 
I know you're anxious my good news to hear, 
And this it is — a lot of telegrams. [ Gives them to Kate.] 
They're full of rivers, towns, and Amsterdam s 

Kate. How did you get them? Do you know the 
sender? 

Col. T. No, but the language used is on a bender. 



48 now TO BECOME PRESIDENT ; OR, 

Kate. You nieau tliey'rc ciphers ? 

Col. T. Yes, I do indeed. 

Kate. You've looked then o'er of course, but can 
you read 

Col. T. Xo, not a word. They lay on Tilden's table. 
I thought I'd pocket them while I was able. 

Kate. And he permitted you 

Col. T. I am his friend. 
Besides, he doesn't know it. I depend 
On you to keep the knowledge from his ears 

Kate. Oh, don't be bothered with such silly fears. 
'Tis safe with me. I bury secrets deep, 
And ev'ry promise made, I sacred keep. 

Col. T. I hope this business will soon be ended. 
Until it is, 'twixt fear and hope suspended • 
I hang in agony, each moment thinking 
To be found out. 

Kate. 'Tis useless to be shrinking 

From that we must encounter Boldly stand 
And half the danger's gone. You know my hand- 



CoL. T. 'Tis that alone inspires me — that sweet prize. 
Why, for the sake of it I'd tell more lies 
Than Satan could himself. I'd wade through sin 
And suffer endless torment, just to win 

Kate. There, there ; no more, I know you love me 
dearly 

Col. T. Better than all the world, and most sincerely. 
But I've to meet with Tilden yet. Adieu. 

Kate. Act well your part. You'll find me ever true. 

[£'xj< Colonel Twister.] 



THE NEW DOCTRINE OF ELECTION. 49 



SECOND ACT 



Scene I. — Gramercy Park. Present, Tilden, Pelton, and 
Hewitt. Returning Boards^ decision just received. 

Pel. The game is up. We're beaten, busted, smashed ! 

Til. Yes, hope is gone. My checks have all been cashed 
And not one cent of all the money paid 
Can I get back. 

Hew. Cheer up. Don't be dismayed. 

The House of Representatives, you know, 
Can easily what has been done o'er throw. 

Til. No, 'tis too late. They'll patch up some d — d bill 
To clean subvert the people's sov'reign Avill. 

Hew. Go down to Washington and claim your own. 

Pel. You surely were elected, you alone. 

Til. I've half a mind to, on the Fourth of March — 
But yet, my heart is weak. It lacks the starch — 
That is, I haven't courage to withstand 
The voice of censure. 

Hew. Don't throw up your hand 

So early in the game. You'll take a trick 
Ere you expect it. 

Til. Hewitt, I am sick 

In body and in mind. I've been misled 
By some one, whom, I know not. 'T has been said 
I've wrecked full many projects in my day 
For other folk, but I have this to say : 
I never, until now, have been a wrecker 
Of projects, to deplete my own exchequer. 
I always, until now, made some small gain, 
Xor passage took upon the smashed up train. 



50 SOW TO BECOME PRESIDENT ; OR, 



Hew. 'Tis thus the matter stauds- 



TiL. I've lost the " loot " 

And am the only injured man to boot. 

Pel. Don't give up so. Your friends will see you 

through. 
Hew. Yes, we'll achieve what mortal men can do. 
[Enter Messenger Boy icith telegram.] 

Boy. Here is a telegram for you. Please sign 
Upon this slip — upon the upper line. [Exit 6oy.] 

Pel. This is from Washington. They have agreed 
To organize a court 



Hew. [Aside, to Tilt>es.^ (Then we'll succeed. ) 

Pel. Or High Commission to declare the count. 

Hew. Then ev'ry obstacle we shall surmount. 

Til. There is one matter gives me great concern ; 
And that is, will they follow the return ? 
You know we've argued both ways, where 'twould suit, 
But yet our efforts l)ore no ripened fruit. 

Hew. I'll see to that. I'll be there on the spot, 
And if they don't do right, I'll make it hot 
For those who fail in duty. Don't give in. 

Pel. The strong and pure of heart are sure to win. 
[To Hewitt.] Don't tarry here. Away, away, away. 

Hew. I go at once. [To Pelton,] Come on. [To 
Tilden,] Good day. [Exit Hew. and Pel.] 

Til. [Calling after. j Good day. 

I know not what to do — what course to choose. 
I've much to gain and — what have I to lose ? 
An honored name. But money'H buy that back. 
But if it won't! What then? Alas! Alack! 
'Tis lost forever. Xevor mind. I'll wait 
Till I can wait no more — then grapple fate. [Exit."] 



THE NEW DOCTRINE OF ELECTION. 51 

Scene II. — Hayeshas just received news of the decision 
of the Electoral Commission. 

Hayes. [^Solil.'] I knew that justice must succeed at 
last, 
And win the day. Now ev'ry fear is past. 
I've reached the top-most pinnacle of fame. 
I've conquered every obstacle but shame, 
And that, to me, most cheerfully I own, 
Has been, throughout this whole affair unknown. 
I'll make a note of it — 'tis really curious — 
And then, if Tilden's friends should get too furious 
And charge me with it, I can truly say 
I don't know what it is. I hope, I pray 
They'll let the matter rest. But should they choose 
To agitate the question — should they lose 
What little sense they have and make a fuss, 
Why, then my friends must help me through the muss. 
My friends ! Yes, if I pay them well as such. 
But yet 'twill cost me nothing. 'Tis n't much 
To peddle out an office here and there 
Whenever need requires to keep them square. 
When I am President 1 Oh, happy hour 
When I assume the reigns of sov'reign power ! 
When I may feel my triumph is complete — 
Yet, stay ! Some people say that I was beat ! 
I think I was myself, in the election ; 
But that don't matter. I'm the free selection 
Of those who put me in. Why should I care 
Though charges vile of fraud pollute the air ? 
And why should Democrats condemn a trade 
That gives them three good States — the price I paid. 



52 now TO BECOME PRESIDENT; OR^ 

For my success ? They ought to be content, 
To have a friend like mc for President. 
But I must keep my pledges to the letter. 
Xor must I let my party prove a fetter 
Upon m}^ movements, if, u'hen I am done, 
I would be called a second Washington. 



Scene III. — Gramercy Park. Present, Tilden and 

Pelton. 

Pel. The result is announced. 'Tis eight to seven. 

Til. Then I am President 

Pel. Xo,' Hayes 

Til. By Heaven ! 
This is the most unkiudest cut of all. 
To bo so near the top, then get a fall 
Because those whom I thought my friends were weak 

Pel. You are too hasty, uncle, let me speak. 
Your friends stood by you to the very last. 
Each Democratic vote for you was cast. 
It was a partisan afl'air throughout 
And Bradley's vote alone put you to rout. 

Til. Well, I am ruined quite; no hope remains. 
A month ago a fool — I've made great gains 
In want of common sense. I am an ass. 
To that I'll stick whate'er shall come to pass. 

Pel. One thing we've to console us. What we've 
done 
lu all this matter, no one know.s — not one. 
But you and Hewitt, Cooper, Marble, Weed, 
And I. 

Til. That's good. I hope 'tis true indeed. 



THE NEW DOCTRINE OF ELECTION. 53 

Pel. Those cipher telegrams I'd best destroy. 
Til. Do so at once. That's right, that's right, my 
boy; 
You're ever thoughtful of your uncle's fame. 

Pel. In all this matter 

Til. Yours shall be the blame 

Whate'er that be. 
Pel. But where are those I seek — 

Those ciphers ? 

Til. On my desk. Wait. Now you speak, 

I haven't seen them for a month or less. 

Pel. Now that is strange, I really must confess. 
I hope they're safe. The deuce will be to pay 
If some d — d thief has taken them away. 

Til. Don't bother so. They'll somehow come to light. 

Pel. I hope they won't, unless I get first sight. 

Til. I am quite weary, and will seek some rest. 

Pel. That's just what I was going to suggest. 
You're worried. Now you're over the suspense, 
Rest will restore your health. I'll see you hence. [Exit.] 

Til. [Solil.'] I was, and I am not. I was to be 
The President. Now, all the chance I see 
Of being anything but what I am, 

A fool — is to be silent. I'll be d — n 

No, I'll not swear. It don't help matters much, 
But I will speak of buying votes, and such. 
And ring the cry of fraud with all its changes 
So that the world may hear it. This deranges 
My hopes, my plans, and prospects. To be beat ! 
To taste the bitter, when I hoped for sweet. 
Oh, would that I could all the past forget— 
Mv faults, and follies. All my errors. Yet, 



54 BOW TO BECOME PRESIDENT; OR, 

This is the state of man. To-day, a fool 

To-morrow, just as wise. Like boy at school 

Who thinks, perhaps he knows more than his master, 

When, had he less conceit he'd learn the faster, 

I thoug-ht that / was wise. That I could teach 

Men how to win success. Xow, I may preach. 

And who will listen? No one. They will say, 

He failed himself— his wits have gone astray. 

Poor fellow 1 Pass him by, and heed him not. 

Thus they will speak, and I be soon forgot. 

And yet, I might have won the Chair of State ! 

Weed would have bought me in. 'Tis now too late. 

Ah, I regret the errors of the past. 

I see them now, since fortune ebbed so fast 

To leave me on the sands a helpless wreck, 

To perish of decay. I'm at the beck 

Of those I sought to lead. Too bad ! Too bad 1 

My pride is crushed; my heart is sorely sad. 

An old man, broken by the cares of State — 

Had I but served my God with zeal as great 

As I have served myself, I had been safe — 

Not the mere wanton child of fate — a waif. 

Now, naked to my foes — my armor gone — 

My courage weakened — all my friends withdrawn — 

I'm but a sorry actor on the stage 

On whom the world will vent its ill-timed rage. 

I'm a poor corned}- whose tragic end 

Brings tears instead of laughter. God defend — 

I cannot think; my metaphors are wrong. 

My thoughts, a turbulent accusing throng 

Give me no comfort. All the world's a show — 

The men are players. I am one, I know. 



THE NEW DOCTRINE OF ELECTION. 55 

Stop ! I am getting Shakespeare rather mixed. 
(But surely Shalcespeare never thus was fixed) — 
He was a man of sense, and I am — what ? 
A fool ! And will be till my name's forgot. 
I'll think no more ; and say the least I can, 
Then some may take me for at least — a man. 
Besides, if I keep quiet, Fate's decree 
May change this, my defeat, to victory. [Exit.^ 



Scene lY.—Fat'lor, Kate^s residence. Present, Kate 
and Colonel Twister. 

Col. T. The telegrams I gave you first, were all 
That ever came. I thought my dear, I'd call, 
That you might fix the day to be my bride 

Kate. I'm sorry, colonel, but I must decide 
To make a declination of your hand 

Col. T. Whatl 

Kate. I refuse your offer. 

Col. T. I'll be d-d— 

I_I_beg pardon — dear — indeed I do 
For swearing in your presence but — but you — 
You promised me. I've done what you requested. 
Your honor and good faith are both invested 
In this transaction 

Kate. I can't help it now. 

If I e'er promised you — I break my vow. 

Col. T. But listen 

Kate. Not a word. I'll hear no more. 

Col. T. Am I to understand our troth is o'er ? 

Kate. Most certainly. 



56 no W TO BECOME PRESIDENT; OR, 

Col. T. Those telegrams — return 

Kate. Oh, they are safe. 

Col. T, But where ? 

K^iTE. That's my concern. 

Now please excuse this 

Col. T. What shall I excuse ? 

Kate. Oh, only thLs — a woman's little ruse. 
I was employed to get 

Col. T. [^Aside.'] (YeS, made the tool.) 

Kate. To get these ciphers 

Cor,. T. [^Aside.'] (And make me a fool.) 

Kate. I've got them all, my duty now is ended 

CoL. T. And I say, madam, may you be de — fended 
By those you served. 

Kate. I leave you, sir. Good day. \_Ej:it.'\ 

Col. T. Now here's a pretty mess. It's just my way ; 
I'm always getting into some d — d trouble. 
I've tried to serve two masters — carry double — 
And this the end. I've ruined Tilden quite, 
I'm sure of that. I'll off to Hayes to-night 
And tell him all I know. Perhaps he'll give 
Some office to me that will help me live. 
And as for Kate — well, she is not the first 
To throw me over, but she served me worst. 
She fooled me. Made a donkey of me sure. 
And I can't help it. Well, I can endure. 
'Twas lucky that I went to New Orleans 
And gave the "Rads" a peep behind the scenes 
Wh(>n " reconstruction " figured on the staore. 
They ought to pa}' me well ; but I'll engage 
They won't remember mo. And yet, I'll try. 
For if I don't get office, I must die. \_E.rit.'] 



THE NEW DOCTRINE OF ELECTION. 57 

Scene Y. — Parlor, St. Charles Hotel, New Orleans, La. 
Present, Ilembers Hayes Commission. 

Law. Big with events the time is now at hand 
When we must carry out our chiefs command. 
Our letter of instruction has been read ; 
We're ready now I think to push ahead. 

McY. It is the President's expressed desire 
That we induce friend Packard to retire 
And yield the chair executive to one 
Who failed to win. 

Brown. [Aside.'] (That's easier said than done.) 

Law. Failing in this, we must consolidate 
The legislatures sitting in this State, 
So that the candidate who really lost 
Be made the Governor, whate'er the cost. 
The means to be employed to gain these ends 
Are left to us. On us success depends. 

McY. We first should Nicholls see, and make report 
The President will give him strong support. 
For sure 'twere best he know from the beginning 
That Packard has no ground for hope of winning. 

Haw. I would suggest an interview straightway. 

McY. All right ! We'll start at once without delay 

\_Exeunt all.'] 



Scene YI. — Nicholls^ office. Enter McV, and others. 

McY. Good morning, Governor. We come to treat 
'Twixt you and Packard ; and to make complete 
Your triumph in the late election past 

Xicii. Permit me, gentlemen ; you go too fast. 



58 SOW TO BECOME PRESIDENT ; OR, 

My triumph is complete. I was undone, 
But ere you came, my cause was fully won. 
I put my gallant Leaguers in the field 
And drove the foe where now he lies concealed. 

McT. I meant to say we brought encouragement 
For you and yours, from our great President. 
He will have naught of Packard, or his minions, 
But gives support to you, and 3*our opinions. 
If you will make suggestions of your views 
We'll see them carried out. 

Haw. Yes, we'll enthuse 

The Packard crew with such a loyal spirit 
They'll leave his camp and ne'er again go near it. 

XiCH. I only have to make this one deniand : 
That I be recognized on every hand. 

McY. We'll see that Packard's myrmidons disperse. 

NiCH. They'd better. If they don't, they'll fare the 
worse. 

McV. We'll also guarantee to you a quorum 
Of members in the legislative forum. 

Xicu. This resolution which I hand to you 
Explains my plan in ev'ry point of view. 
Perhaps 'twere best you see the other side 
And learn if they will by its terms abide. 

McY. We'll do so right away, and now withdraw 
To do as vou desire. Your will is law. [Exeunt all.'] 



TEE NEW DOCTRINE OF ELECTION. 59 

Scene VII. — St. Louis Hotel, New Orleans. Caucus 
of Packard Legislature. Present, a Zso, IlcVeigh 
and others. 

Chairman of Caucus. You come to learn our views, 
we understand, 
Of your proposal lately come to hand. 
Short time we need to give them. They are brief. 
But yet may fill your narrow souls with grief. 
Your proposition looks too like a trade ; 
And we will have no venal barter made 
Of sovereign pow'r whene'er we can prevent. 
And, further, this we say : To all intent 
We, whom your President now tries to smother — 
We, are the legal body — not the other. 
You have our answer. Send it to your master. 
Then drive your weapons home. We'll die the faster. 

McV. We are surprised that you yourselves array 
Against our wishes. 'Tis as plain as day 
That you are in the wrong, and Nicholls right 
Though he was beaten. We'll dispatch to-night 
Your ultimatum. 

Haw. Let us go. What use 
To stay and listen to their vile abuse. 
Are we not statesmen — great and pure of heart 

Mem. [Aside.^ (If that be true you play a dirty part.) 

Haw. Whose only aim is to o'er throw the State 
And make poor Packard share in Tilden's fate ? 

McV. Yes, we'll away to set the jvheel in motion 

That shall effect our will. 

jj^j^ I have a notion 

That Packard should be asked to call on us 
In order we this matter may discuss. 



tjO now TO BECOME PRESIDENT; OR, 

MoY. To that we all agree Let us withdraw 
And take such steps as makes our will the law. 

lExcunt all.} 



Scene YUl.— Parlors, St. Charles Hotel. Present, 
Jlembers of the Hayes Commission, Packard and 
Wells. 

Pack I tell you Hayes got fewer votes than I. 
If ho is President I am 

Haw. Let's try 

And compromise this matter. It is best. 
Just listen to the plan I now suggest. 

Pack. I will not listen. I will not be bribed. 

Wells. Who talks of bribery ? 

Hau. It has been ascribed 

To all of you who managed this election. 

Wells. But what of that? We have escaped detec- 
tion 
And you are gainers by it ! 

McV. Let us reason 

Pack. I'll reason with you in and out of season. 

McV. 'Tis thus the matter stands. The vote was 
close. 
To swallow Tilden were too great a dose. 
Hayes could be President but l)y consent 
Of certain politicians whose intent 
Was chieQy to regain complete control 
Of divers Southern States 

Pack. I know the whole 

Of your base argument, but fail to see 
Its force or justice. You would slaughter mo 



THE NEW DOCTRINE OF ELECTION. 61 

To save your chief. You'd sell a sov'reign State 
To make a President. 

Wells. The need is great 

For better understanding. Packard's cause 
Is firmly based on equity, and laws 
Of our enactment. But 'twere grievous sin 
Had that " Old Usufruct " been counted in. 
And such, in fact, must needs have been the case 
Had Hayes not promised Nicholls Packard's place. 

McY. We e'en must sacrifice our party here 
To carry out the bargain made. 

Haw. That's clear. 

Pack. I am the lawful Governor elect 
Of Louisiana ; and as such, expect 
Due recognition. 

Har. But the bargain's made 
'Tween Hayes' and Nicholls' friends 

Pack. Then I'm betrayed 

By him I served. 

Wells. But you can get your price 



Pack. My honor's not for sale. Let that suffice. 

Law. You sell not honor 

Pack. Had I been defeated 
Then Hayes were beaten. Xow I'm to be cheated 
By him who climbs to pow'r upon my back — 
I'll see him d — d first. Tell him I've no lack 

Brown. Don't be so rash. Adversity's a school 
Where men learn wisdom — not to play the fool. 
You're bound to go, so act the wiser part 
And take whate'er is offered at the start. 

McY. There's Liverpool — a consulate, 'tis said 
Worth many thousands ; 

Wells. [Aside to Pack.'] (Ten, I'll bet my head.) 



62 now TO BECOME PRESIDENT; OR, 

McV. Don't mind your wounded feelings — strive no 
more — 
And that shall be the plaster o'er the sore. 

Pack. I'll think of it. 

McV. 'Twill be but recognition 

Of your great services. The one condition 
On which you take it, is, that you comply 
With our request. Let opposition die. 

Pack. Well, I can't help myself. 'Tis sad, but true. 
I'll stifle my convictions — yield to you. 
But yet 'tis strange that I can be rejected 
As Governor, and Hayes be deemed elected. 
I got more votes than he — the count will show it, 
And d — n me if I see how you'll o'er throw it. 

Wells. That's Qxed already. 

Har. Danger now is past. 

Wells. Tilden is beaten. AYe're all right at last. 
I'll go inform our friends. \_Exit.'] 

Pack. And I'll away 

To carry out the trade. Good day. \_Exit.'] 

Haw. Good day. 

McY. Our work is o'er. The bargain is completed. 

Hau. [^Anide.'] (I on the Supreme Bench will soon 
be seated.) 

Haw. 'Tis easy thus a State to trade away. 

McY. I was the one who did it — I, McVeigh. 

Law. Here is a telegram I have prepared — 
See if the views expressed, by you are shared. 

Brown. Please read it out. 

Law. 'Tis to the President, 

And is as follows: [iirflc?.^'.] "Your Commission sent 
To Louisiana to transfer the State 
And Nieholls see installed in spite of fate 



THE NEW DOCTRINE OF ELECTION. 63 

Send this report : Your wishes have effect. 
Deposed are all who helped make you elect. 
Packard is out and Xicholls has gone in 
His Democratic programme to begin. 
All, save Republicans, are wild with joy. 
And these, mix heartfelt grief with shame's alloy. 
We start to-night : and Tuesdav's rising sun 
Will see us safe at Hotel Arlington. 

McY. That's capital indeed. 

Har. Superb. 

Haw. 'Tis grand. 

Brown. Come, let's all sign it ; then, a happy band, 
We'll pack our trunks and off to Washington 
Well pleased to know the great transaction's done. 

[Exeimt All.] 



Scene IX. — Hotel, Washington. Present, Jim Ander- 
son. 

And. (Solil.) I've been d — d badly treated by my friends 
Or those who should be such. To gain their ends 
They, that is Hayes and his infernal crew, 
Made me their tool. In any point of view 
It was their duty to have paid me well 
For what I did, no matter what befell. 
But since theirs was the winning side, they ought, 
In common justice, to at least have thought 
To give some cosy place to him who dared 
Make vict'ry certain. All but I, have shared 
In spoils official — why am I left out? 
Have they forgot there's such a man about ? 



i 



64 HOW TO BECOME PRESIDENT; OR, 

If so, I'll wake 'em up. I'll let 'em know 
They can't bamboozle mo. I think I'll go — 

i Enter Matthews.] 

Ah, glad to see you. When did you arrive ? 

M. This morning. 

And. Well, I'm glad you're yet alivt-. 

M. Now what is it you wish? What can I do 

And. I want a consulate. 

M. I'll pull you through. 

And. I want a good, fat berth. One that will pay. 

M. I'll see the President without delay, 
And get it for you. You deserve it, sure. 
For what you did for him. 

j^^ND. I won't endure 

Suspense much longer. He must think, and act. 

Without delay, or I'll tell ev'ry fact 

I know concerning his so called election. 

And how I came to make that d — d objection. 

Or protest as you call it, to the count 

Of certain votes. You know the whole amount 

Of what I can discover, if I try 

M. Indeed I do. 'Twill knock us all sky high. 

And. Just say to Hayes I must be cared for now. 
I leave him to determine where, and how, 
But yet the place he gives me must be good 
Or I'll not take it. I've withdrawn the hood 
Of his fair promises from off my eyes — 
Now, he must act, and tell me no more lies. 

M. I'll see you are provided for 

X-aii, That's right. 

But see you bring an answer back to-night. lExit 3/.] 



THE NEW DOCTRINE OF ELECTION. 65 

I'll make Rome howl, if once I'm fooled again — 
And teach these honest statesmen that the pen 
Is mighty as an engine of destruction 
When truths like these I have, by its production 
Are scattered on the winds to bear good seed 
Wherever honest men of thought can read. [Exit.'} 



Scene X. — Office Executive Mansion. Fvesent, Hayes 

and Secretary. 

Hayes. A man of honor promptly pays his debts. 
I've cancelled some of mine — while time abets 
I'll pay the others off. Give me the roll 
Of my appointments made since first control 
■I had of matters and affairs of State — 
I have not looked it over much of l*e. 
[Looks at list.^ The list is long, but yet must longer be 
Ere I have finished it. Now let me see. 
Sherman is settled with, and so is Noyes. 
Harlan is on the bench. Stoughton enjoys 
A residence abroad. Evarts is paid. 
Coburn and Stearns commissioners are made 
To visit the Hot Springs. Wallace shall go 
As Governor of our New Mexico. 
And with him, as a judge, I'll send McLin 
Who helped in Florida to count me in. 
Marks shall collector be. Jim Anderson — 
(Few men could do so well what he has done) 
I'll book him for a climate hot as — well — 

[Enter Sherman.] 

(Good morning, Sherman !) it is hard to tell 



66 BO W TO BECOME PRESIDENT; OR, 

Exactly where to send him. I'll agree, 
In case I ne'er again his face shall see, 
To send him anywhere 

Sheb. I'll find a place. 

To have him here brings shame, if not disgrace. 
He and that woman Jeuks are always claiming 
More knowledge than they have, our names defaming. 
Of course no one believes them, yet 'twere best 
To give them place so that their tongues may rest. 

Hayes. I'd like to know what's best to do for Hale ? 
The place I offered he declined. 

Sher. I fail 

To see your obligation to him now — 
You offered him his pay — discharged your vow. 

Hayes. Well, pass him by. There's Packard's over- 
throw 
Is charged to me. ^here shall I let him go ? 

Sher. I would suggest the Civil Service School 
Give him the consulate at Liverpool. 

Hayes. A good suggestion. Now for those small fry 
Who helped me Louisiana's vote to buy. 
I must consider them, or they will raise 
A tempest o'er my head, or I'm not Hayes. 

Sher. I've taken care of them. Wells, Kenner, Ray, 
Tom Anderson and Abell, they've their pay ; 
Besides, I've given place to Blanchard, Hill, 
And all the others who helped do our will. 

Hayes. 'Tis well ! But .^top ; there's Justice Brad- 
ley's son. 
Till he's provided for, our work's not done. 
For had his father not made up the eight 
Against the seven, hard indeed our fate. 



THE NEW DOCTRINE OF ELECTION. 67 

Sher. I sent Collector Arthur a request 
That he, for " special reasons " would invest 
Young- Bradley with a clerkship, Avhich he did. 

Hayes. And well for him he did what he was bid. 

Sec'y. We've done. The list is finished. 

Sher. Then, good day. [Exit.^ 

Hayes. I wonder what the newspapers will say 
Of these appointments, when I make them known. 

Sec'y. 'Tis no concern of theirs, but yours alone. 

Hayes. I mean the Civil Service to reform 
Although, by doing so, I raise a storm. [Enter M. C] 
Merit shall fill each office in my gift 
And those who serve well I'll 

M. C. lAside.'] (Give a lift.) 

Hayes. I'll make a note of. 

M. C. Mr. President, 
About that consulate ' 

Hayes. 'Tis my intent 

That candidates shall pass examination 
Under the Civil Service dispensation. 
Before they get appointment from my hand 
To any office. Such is my command. 

M. C. The gentleman is here. 

Hayes. Well, bring him in, 

And I'll the questioning at once begin. 

[Enter Colonel Twister.] 

[To Col. T.] Are you a granger? And to 

what extent 
Do you endorse the council held at Trent ? 

Col. T. I am no granger, though I know a beat 
That made you President. 'Twere Tilden's seat 



68 SOW TO BECOME PRESIDENT; OR, 

You fill had not the eight spot beat the seven. 
The Trent affair, I leave to you and Heaven. 

Hayes. What is the chiefest end and aim of man ? 

Col. T. To get an ofiQce, and steal all he can. 

Hayes. What is the statesman's doctrine of election ? 

Col. T. To win bv fraud, and then escape detection. 

Hayes. Who is the greatest man, as hist'ry tells ? 

Col. T. He lives in New Orleans ; his name is Wells. 

Hayes. Pray tell me, why consider him so great ? 

CoL. T. He made a President, and sold a State. 

Hayes. Whom do you think a wiser man than I ? 

CoL. T. No one, since Wells, your maker, is not by. 

Hayes. Name all the States, accoi-ding to their size? 

CoL T. Should I do that, I would myself, surprise. 

Hayes. You cannot answer ? Well, I'll ask another. 
Do you think ev'ry Chinaman a brother ? 

CoL. T. To that I answer either yes, or no, 
Just as the public current seems to flow. 

Hayes. Who built the biggest dam, of which you've 
heard ? 

CoL. T. Bill Chandler, when the Packard muss was 
stirred. 

Hayes. I doubt you not. He's capable of much 

CoL. T. I never thought, till lately, he had such 

Hayes. Who made you ? 

Col. T. I'm not made, but hope to be 

When some fat consulate you give to me. 
To you. my maker, then, I'll render praise 
And bless, from day to day, the name of Hayes. 

Haye.s. That's quite correct. Who was el»>cted. I, 
Or that man Tilden ? 

Col. T. Tilden failed to l)uv— 



THE NEW DOCTRINE OF ELECTION- 69 

I'll say no more ; but let the mattei* rest 
Remarking only, you succeeded best. 

Hayes. Wisdom personified ! Another question 
I'll ask you at the author's own suggestion. 
"What's Civil Service ? 

Col. T. Having many friends. 

Hayes. And what's reform therein ? 

Col. T. Oh, that depends 

On whose are strongest. Strength will always win 
When office is the prize. 

Hayes. And what is sin ? 

Col. T. 'Tis sin to have an office offered you 
And not accept it. Or to not undo 
The people's will expressed through ballot-boxes, 
Whene'er you can. 

Hayes. You speak in paradoxes. 

Explain yourself more clearly. 

Col. T. 'Twould be wrong, 

If you were weak of heart, and I were strong. 
For me to see you going to defeat 
And not attempt, by fraud, your foes to beat. 
And I should sin, if I refused a gift 
You offered me for giving you a lift. 

Hayes. Correct. That's true. You'll pass. I'll 
make a note 
And see you are appointed. [To M. C] and yonr vote 
Touching such matters as I chance to name 

M. C. I'll cast as you direct, [Aside.^ and d — n the 
blame. [Exit M. C] 



70 now TO BECOME PRESIDENT; OR, 



THIRD ACT. 



Scene I — Committee room of Congress. Present, J/em- 
bers of Committee and 3Irs. Jenks. 

McM. You are 



Mrs. J. I hope so. 

McM. Mrs. Jenks 

Mrs. J. That's me 

McM. From Xew Orleans 

Mrs. J. At present. 

McM. [ Thoughtfully.'] Let me see. 

You put me out. Oh ! Tell me what you know 
About this " Sherman letter." Did you go 
To Parlor P in old St. Charles Hotel 
To tret it ? 

Mrs. J. There's no letter. I won't 

McM. Well, 

You know the letter ? 

Mrs. J. Certainly I do. 

McM. And wrote it, did you ? 

Mrs. J. What is that to you ? 

McM. Did Sherman write that letter ? 

Mrs. J. Change your question 

And make it less direct. 

McM. At whose suggestion 

Mrs. J. Why, mine of course. 

McM. Did Sherman write that letter? 

Mrs. J. J will not answer that. 

^IcM. Perhaps you'd better. 



THE NEW DOCTRINE OF ELECTION. 71 

Mrs. J. I say I won't. 

McM. That letter 



Mrs. J. I don't see 

The great importance of it. 

McM. That's for me, 
Not you to see. Xow, tell me, did John Sherman 

Mrs. J. That is a poser. How can I determine 

McM. Write that letter, or did you ? 

Mrs. J. Of course. 

Don't bother me. You see I'm getting hoarse. 

McM. That letter 

Mrs. J. Oh, I wrote it. I don't mind 

The telling you I did. 

McM. Well, can you find 

That letter now ? 

:Mrs. J. I wouldn't if I could, 

Because 'twould do nobody any good. 
It served its purpose at the time, and now. 
To rake it up, will only cause a row. 

McM. You wrote it ? 

Mrs. J. Yes. 

T^tcM. And Sherman wasn't there ? 

Mrs. J. You've hit the truth again, I do declare. 

^[cM. And signed his name 

Mrs. J. Perhaps you think so. 

McM. Well, 

Who signed it, if not you ? 

Mrs. J. I'll never tell. 

Spr. You say you wrote that letter — who was by. 
Besides yourself 

Mrs. J. I'll never tell. 

Spr. But why ? 

Why thus refuse ? What is your reason ? 



72 now TO BECOME PRESIDENT ; OR, 

Mrs. J. None. 

I say I won't. That's all. I won't. 

Spr. Name one 

Mrs. J. I have forgotten. 

Spr. Did you do the writing, 

Or was it some one elge did the inditing? 

Mrs. J. I will not answer that. You must conclude 
That matter for yourself. You see I'm shrewd. 

Spr. In whose handwriting was the letter penned ? 

Mrs. J. You've asked me that before. 

Spr. _ And I intend 

To ask it till you answer. 

Mrs. J. Go ahead. 
You'll not get one from me. What I have said 

Spr. You then refuse ? 

Mrs, J. I know my bus'ness here 



McM. Your conduct on the stand makes that appear. 

Mrs. J. And you may rest assured I'll tend to that, 
Nor tell what I'm not wanted to. That's flat. 

But. Do you know one named Jimmy Anderson ? 
And when was your acquaintanceship begun? 

Mrs. J. I know him — yes ; I fooled him with a letter. 

But. That's it. Go on. Don't let my presence fetter 
The movements of your tongue, but tell us 

Mrs. J. Never. 

But. About that letter. 

Mrs. J. You may a?k forever, 

If so you like, but, as I said before 
I say to you again. I'll tell no more. 

But. Have you some letters you received from him ? 

Mrs. J. That I'll not tell. 

But. Why not ? 

Mrs. J. A woman's whim. 



THE NEW DOCTRINE OF ELECTION. 75 

But. Will you give up the letters you received 
From Anderson ? 

Mrs. J. Ob, yes. 

But. I feel relieved 

To get an answer to the point, direct, 
'Tis better than I hoped, or dared expect. 

Mrs. J. Oh, by the way, how did you get that letter 
I wrote to Kellogg ? I would feel much better 
Did I but know 



But. That is inconsequent. 

I got it — that's enough. 

Mrs. J. Those letters sent 

To me by Anderson won't suit you quite — 
Their style is too severe — while you delight 
In flow'ry speech. 

But. I want them all the same. 
And if he writes poor letters, yours the blame. 
That Sherman letter 

Mrs. J. I shall say no more. 

But. That letter 

Mrs. J. I'll repeat my story o'er 

If you desh'e it. 

McM) 

But. >• Spare us, spare us, madam, 

Spr. ) 
Have this much mercy on us sons of Adam. 

Mrs. J. Then let me go ; or I'll begin straightway. 

But. Go, I beseech you. Go without delay. 

Mrs. J. With pleasure, gentlemen, if you are done. 
If not, remember, though a woman one 
Yet I'm a witness schooled in repartee 
And telling nothing. 

MoM. That we all agree. 



74 IJOM^ TO BECOME PRESIDENT ; OR, 

Mrs. J. Oue ever ready nothing to disclose 
Except what suits her purpose. One who knows. 
Spr. If need should e'er arise we'll send for you. 
Mrs. J. Good day, then, gentlemen, good day. 
But. [_Exit Mrs. J.] Adieu. 



Scene II. — Room, Tribune Building. Present, Gim- 
let and Guesser, looking over cipher dispatches. 

GiM. Oh, Moses. Denmark, Ediuburg, Moselle I 
What cursed secret have these words to tell ? 
I've read them upside down, and backside to — 
I've done whatever mortal man can do — 
And yet, the more I fume, and fret, and wrangle 
The greater, seemingly, I make the tangle. 
What are you doing Guesser ? 

Guess. Every thing. 
I'm taking ev'ry idea on the wing — 
I've found what " Warsaw " means 

GiM. Oh, hold your jaw. 

Guess. 'Tis true. 

Gi.M. What does it ? 

Guess. Why, it means, " was raw." 

GiM. You've hit it, I'll admit. I'm on the track 
Of four confounded words, but yet, Alack ! 
I can't quite capture them 

Guess. Tell me, I can. 

What are they ? 

GiM. Bdinburg, Moselle, a man 

Calli'd Moses, then comes Denmark. These are all 
I've tackled yet. 

Guess. I'll roll 'era in a ball 



THE NEW DOCTRINE OF ELECTION. 75 

And mix 'em up, then, Presto ! 'Twill appear 
Just what their meaning is. 'Tis this ; now hear : 
Kram Ed, is Denmark. Se Som, Moses is 

GiM. By George ! I think you're right. You know 
your "biz." 

Guess. And Edinburg is Grub in Ed turned round, 
While Lose-Em-Le in dark Moselle is found. 
There, now you have it. " Se Som Grubin Ed " 

GiM. We've " grubbin" in the dark, I'll bet my head 

Guess. And then, there is a woman to be lost 
While Ed, he must be crammed whate'er the cost 

GiM. You're wrong, all wrong. 

Guess. Then I give up the job. 

GiM. I won't. I'll work it out so help me — bob. 
I say, let's both begin on one dispatch 
And thus continue through the entire batch. 

Guess. All right, here's one to Marble, if you will. 
'Tis " Warsaw here, Bolivia Brazil." 

GiM. Now, who is Warsaw ? He is here, no doubt. 
The message savs so. We must hunt him out. 

Guess. Perhaps he'll tell us all we want to know. 

GiM. You said that he " was raw." If that be so 

Guess. I must have been mistaken in my guess. 
It seems so now at least, I must confess. 

GiM. Well, try again. You'll hit it by and by. 

Guess. I'll conquer these blamed ciphergrams or die. 
Now let me see. Brazil, Brazil, Brazil! 
Bo-liv-i-a Brazil. I'll work up hill 



GiM. This hill is rugged and seems rather high 

Guess. What's that that's high— Brazil ? Oh, you 
are sly, 
You knew that was the meaning all the time. 



76 SOW TO BECOME PRESIDENT; OR, 

GiM. What are you driving at. 

Guess. We'll surely climb 

This hill at last. 

GiM. Explain. 

Guess. Why, you have wrought 

The true solution of one word we sought. 

GiM. You must have lost your senses. 

Guess. No, not I. 

Brazil! Brazil! Brazil/ That means, "too high." 

GiM. I hope 'tis true, but yet I am in doubt, 
And fear its meaning is past finding out. 

Guess. I'm sure I'm right. It struck me all at once. 
You'll find that I'm correct or else 

GiM. A dunce. 

However, let us try the clue you've found 
Until we meet success, or run aground. 

Guess. Now, what's too high ? 

GiM. Bolivia of course. 

Guess. But what's Bolivia ? 

GiM. 0, have recourse 
To your great faculty and guess 

Guess. Guess what ? 

GiM. The proposition 

Guess. Struck it by — Great Scott 1 

You are a prodigy. You beat me quite. 
I didn't think your intellect so bright. 

GiM. Will you explain yourself? Have you gone mad ? 
What is the matter with you ? 

Guess. Well, by Dad 1 

You are a great one. Is it really true 
That you don't see what you have brought to view ? 



THE NEW DOCTRINE OF ELECTION. 77 



Why, man alive, 'tis plain as plain can be- 
GiM. And what is plain? 



Guess. Brazil, Brazil, — high — see? 

Bolivia too high ! ' 

GiM. Well, what of that ? 

In such warm climates better high than flat. 

Guess. The proposition — don't you understand ? 
Bolivia means that, and not a land. 

GiM. Oh! Then you thinkthe sender meant to say 

Guess. Some proposition sent to him that day 

GiM. Was thought too high 

Guess. Exactly so, correct. 

GiM. That sounds like reason ; but of what effect. 
Or help, or vantage will it be 4;o us 

Guess. We'll leave that matter out. Come, don't dis- 
cuss 

GiM. What's Warsaw ? 

Guess. Here. 

GiM. What's here ? 

Guess. [Looking at telegram.^ This d — d dispatch. 

GiM. Eureka, unum, parvo 

Guess. What the scratch 

Ails you ! Why, Gimlet 

GiM. [Exultingly.'] Telegram is here — 

The proposition is too high 

Guess. That's clear. 

I see your point, you've made it now, old boy ; 
Let's go and take a glass of liquid joy. 

GiM. I'm with you heart and soul. 

Guess. Say throat and mouth. 

GiM. All right. I'm dry enough to cause a drouth. 



78 now TO BECOME PRESIDENT; OR, 

But, I say, Guesscr, won't we raise a storm 
By our clecipherings? 

Guess. We'll kill reform 

Or make it difficult for some to do. 

Gi.M. We'll finish now directly. What think you ? 

Guess. The rest is easy ; now we're made beginning 
'Twon't take us long to find out all their sinning. 

GiiM. And when we do we'll have a jolly tear 

Guess. But won't the ciphergrams rave and swear ? 

GiM. Let's go. I'm burning up. 

Guess. We'll quench our thirst, 

Then take up that dispatch you tackled first. [Exit.'] 



Scene Ill.— Grame7'ci/ Park. Present, Tilden Pel- 
ton, Hewitt, Moses, Fox and Cooper, discussing the 
Tribune^s publication of the ciphergrams. 

Pel. 'Tis just as I expected. Ev'ry thing 
Seems going wrong. How Radicals will ring 
The changes on the sounding cry of fraud 
When all the truth is known. How they'll applaud 
The subtle brain that ushered into lio-ht 
The truth of those d — d ciphers. 

Til. What a plight 

Will I be in. Thev'll fix a lasting stain 
Upon my reputation. All the gain 
I hoped to make, to lose were bad enough. 
And now, my character 

Coop. Its pretty rough 

On you, on Moses, and the rest ; but yet, 
It rubs me pretty hard. You see, I've set 



THE NEW DOCTRINE OF ELECTION. 79 

My voice and countenance to aid reform. 

And now — Good Lord I How honest folk will storm 

Because I acted thus as your purveyor — 

I wish I'd never been elected mayor ! 

Pel. Oh you can stand it 

Weed. Who has played the spy ? 

Hew, I do not knovy, I'm sure. 

Til. Nor I. 

Moses. Xor I. 

Coop. What shall we do ? 

Fox. Deny their truth. 

Weed. We can't, 
Unless we bear false witness, and I shan't 

Fox. Don't be too squeamish. We must shield our 
chief 
E'en though we bring our consciences to grief. 
He must not suffer 



Moses. Let's diplomatize — 

Neither admit their truth nor call them lies. 

Til. Now you speak wisdom. As for me, I'll sweat 
That I know nothing 

Pel. Uncle have good care 

Or those d — d Radicals who stole your right 
Will place you in a despicable plight 

Hew. 'Tis strange, indeed, how all those ciphergrams 
Were stolen from us. 

Pel. Let us say they're shams, 

Got. up to ruin us. 

Moses. No, that won't take. 
With men of sense. The best reply to make 
Is just to say they simply signalled danger 
From some vile plot 

Fox. Go tell that to a grani?er 



so now TO BECOME PRESIDENT ; OR, 

Or horse marine — he'll laugh your words to scorn 
And take you for a fool. 

Moses. Since I was born 

I never found mvsclf in such a scrape. 
* Til. In politics I'm dead. Hang out the crape. 

Hew. Xo, not just yet. We'll tide this matter o'er. 
Til. Keep me from harm and I will pay the score. 

Moses. I'll write a letter that shall set us straight, 
Before our friends at least 

Til. It seems my fate 

To be mixed up with ev'ry foolish blunder 
My friends have made. And yet, I'm pure. By thunder ! 
I can't restrain myself when I but think 
Mv carelessness alone has raised this stink. 
Had I but kept those ciphergrams secure 
The world might yet have thought us good and pure. 

Hew. Well, let's away, and do whate'er we can 
To stop the scandal, or devise a plan 
To make it harmless. 

Til. and Pel. Wo will do our part. 

MosES. And I'll do mine. 

Coop. I'm with you hand and heart. 

Pel. I'll go with Moses. I may be of use 
In aiding him to frame some good excuse. 

[Exeunt all but Tilden.] 

Til. [Solil.^ 'Tis said there is a tide in men's affairs 
Which, taken at the flood, leads him who dares 
To highest fortune ; but, if once omitted, 
The one who fails to take it should be pitied ; 
For thenceforth all his after life shall be 
Vexed by dread shoals of fears and misery. 



TEE NEW DOCTRINE OF ELECTION. 81 

And must such lot be mine? Must I contend 
Against an adverse fate till life shall end, 
Simply because my tide of luck ebbed fast 
When it had turned, as turn it did, at last? 
What shall 1 do ? How can I conquer, now ?. 
I surely ought to save myself, but how ? 
Men, at some time, are masters of their fates. 
Why can't I master mine ? My mind debates 
This matter often; but I'm beat by odds 
Too great for my contention. All the gods 
Seem bent on my defeat ; but wherefore, why, 
I couldn't answer, were I else to die. 
A short time back success seemed certain, sure. 
The people thought me patriotic — pure. 
Now stands my credit on such slipp'ry ground 
That hope is lost, while fear and shame abound. 
I am defeated in the present race, 
But is this aU? Shall I dare show my face. 
In view of this exposure, or again 
Seek public honors at the hands of men ? 
My brain is growing weary. Let me think. 
If think I may, thus standing on the brink 
Of utter ruin : First, how stands the case? 
What have I done to merit this disgrace ? 
Why, only this : My agents wished to buy 
A State or two — I gave them funds to try. 
Had they succeeded, then were there no blame. 
But they did not. In that consists the shame. 
The project failed, and I, the injured man 
Must now stand sponsor for the cursed plan. 
I — it's no use. But yet, I've done the State 
Some service, and they know it. Small, or great, 



82 no w ro become president,- or, 

They should remember that, and pardon aught 

Tliat I have done, since not a vote was bought. 

Oh. my oflcnse is rank. It smells of fraud. 

I wonder how they'll speak of me abroad ? 

Speak of me as I am? No, that won't do. 

My friends must all be coached. I wonder who — 

No, I'll not wonder, for its little use ; 

But strive to shield mj'self against abuse. 

'Tis strange that Shakespeare so runs through my head! 

Yet, no, 'tis not. For he has long been dead ; 

And henceforth I'm a ghost, in politics, — 

But are ghosts guilty of such crazy tricks ? 

That I can't answer. I will get some rest 

And then attempt whate'er my friends think best. [^Exit.'] 



Scene IA^. — Gramercy Park. Present, TUden and 

Pelton. 

Til. 'Tis all your fault. 

Pel. I say 'tis not. 

Til. ' It is. 

Go ! Leave me, leave me! Never show your phiz 
Beneath my roof attain. Go ! Go ! I sav. 

Pel. Where shall I go to ? 

Til. Down to Florida 

For aught I caro. 

Pel. 1 would but 'tis too late 

To go there hoping 1 may buy the State. 

Til. You are impertinent 

Pel. I served you well — 

I tried to buy, when others wished to sell — 



TUB NEW DOCTRINE OF ELECTION. 83 

I did the best that I or mortal could 
To lift you into pow'r. 'Twas for your good, 
Nay, 'twas your wish, that I began the trade ; 
And now, because it failed, you would degrade 
The one who shields you from your evil fame 
By taking on himself the shame and blame. 

Til. This is too much. I will not stand it. No ! 
Out of my house 

Pel. Why do you bid me go ? 

Answer me this, and then without ado 
I'll end all intercourse 'twixt mo and you. 

Til. Why do I bid you go ? Did you not fail 
To buy me in ? What good, of what avail 
Were all my plans and plots with such a fool 
As you to manage for me ? 

Pel. Now that's cool ! 

You know I wanted you to close the trade 
With South Carolina soon as it was made ; 
But you delayed and pottered o'er the job 
'Till 'twas too late. Now, you attempt to rob 
Your nephew of what sense he may possess — 
Turn him adrift without 

Til. I must confess 
You are presuming much on my 

Pel. Discretion ? 

No. You'd not da7'e to have me m'ake confession 
Concerning what I did by your advice — 
You'd rather yield your fortune. Oh, 'tis nice 
To have you for an uncle — you're so pure, 
And good, and great. I think I can endure 
Your great displeasure though I bankrupt be 
For sure, 'tis something, that you're kin to me. 



84 now TO BECOME PRESIDENT; OR, 

You cannot wipe that out. I've half a mind 
To tell the world what wealth of love I find 
In your thin, withered heart — to 

Til. Do but that — 

Lisp but one word, and this I tell you flat : 
Not one poor penny will I give, not one, 
To save you from starvation. 
Pel. Let's be done 

With all this talk. 1 go, but, never fear ; 
I moan to keep my pledge, though it is clear 
You break your own to me. I'll never tell. 
But guard your secret to the gates of hell. 
I'll bear for you the blame — but this I say: 
The people will be judges. They will lay 
The shame and blame where right it ought to rest 
Without one word of mine ; and I'd suggest 
You case yourself in honor's strongest mail. 
For venomed darts will rain on you like hail 
From press, and people, when they learn the way 
You keep your promises. 

Til. Be off, I sav ! 

Pel. I go, but, mark me, gratitude pays best. 

Til. I'll never let it keep me from my rest. 

Pel. That well I know. But, sometime, you'll agree 
I spoke the truth this night. [Exit.] 

Til. We'll see! We'll see ' 

Confound the boy ; to fail, when he should win — 
That were, to me, unpardonable sin. [jtV?/.] 



THE NEW DOCTRINE OF ELECTION. 85 

Scene Y.—Lobbij of House, Capitol. Present, Colonel 

Twister. 

Col. T. There's no more hope for me. They've thrown 

me over. 
And yet, for one brief spell, I lived in clover ; 
But then, they found me out, alas ! Too quick, 
And when they did, served me a dirty trick. 
For they discharged me. Once, I thought my star 
AYould reach the zenith. That bright Fortune's car 
Would bear me on, and on, and never stop ; 
And while I thought, they found me out, and pop 1 
Off went my head. Now here I am " dead busted." 
There's not a single man I ever trusted 
To trust me now. Confound that Anderson. 
'Twas him that ruined me. I first begun 
By ruining my friend ; then got a place 
From Ilayes, to compensate for my disgrace. 
Then that man came, and when he fell, fell' I, 
And where I fell, there, now, I've got to lie. 
But yet he told the truth. Hayes sure was beat. 
And never was entitled to the seat 
He occupies to-day. We thought, poor fools. 
That if we made ourselves the ready tools 
To bring the frauds to light, the other side 
Would see us launched again on fortune's tide. 
We failed, but not through any fault of his — 
Ah, there he comes. I recognize his phiz — 

lEnier Andekson.] 

How are you, Anderson, how goes the battle? 

And. D d rough. These Congressmen are worse 

than cattle 



ti6 SOW TO BECOME PRESIDENT; OB, 

Wild from the Texan plaiua They're far too shy 
To help us as they ought, e'en on the sly. 

Col. T. I think your case a little worse than mine. 
But yet 'tis difficult to draw the line 
Between the two. 

And. I do not think so. You, 

Ruined your friends ; while all that / could do 
I did to build mine up. 

Col. T. Weil, as you will. 

And. Mine surely is a cursed bitter pill. 
I engineered Hayes in. Without ni}^ help 
He had been beaten. Xow his friends all yelp 
And snap their fangs at me, because, forsooth, 
I made exposure of the naked truth. 
If I'd but had that guaranty from Sherman 
I'd made them dance some dance besides the German, 
'Twas Madam Jenks that saved them — she alone. 
By her were all my hopes and plans o'erthrown. 
She got that "letter,'' and they paid her well 
For all the lies her ready tongue could tell 
In their behalf. 

Col. T. Her testimony shows 

She told not all she knew. 

And. John Sherman knows 
He wrote that letter ; and with all his cheek 
He dared not go upon the stand and speak 
Concerning it. He dared make no denial, 
Except through her, and that, un any trial 
In court of law, were worthless to acquit, 
Or prove him innocent of writing it. 
He proved his guilt to every man of sense 
By keeping silent. Under what pretense 



THE NEW DOCTRINE OF ELECTION. S7 

Col. T. One thing is sure; the people when they read 
Your statements will believe them. 

And. Yes, indeed. 

The people are not fools ; and they can see 
Whv Sherman tried so hard to ruin me. 
'Twas his and Hayes' salvation. Everything 
Constrained them and their Louisiana ring 
To save themselves by proving me a liar — 
But yet they failed. 

Col. T. The people will inquire 

Into the interest which tliey had at stake 
And gauge their acts by that. Then they will take, 
By way of offset, this important fact : 
You went against your interest. You attacked 
The only source from whence you hoped for aid 
Before you found them false to pledges made. 

And. That puts the matter in its proper light. 
But — I can't tarry longer. Come to-night — 
You know where I am staying, and we'll try 
To drown our troubles in some rock and rye. 

Col. T. I'll be there certain. Meantime wish you well. 
May smiling fortune soon these clouds dispel. \_Exeunt 
both.'] 

Scene VI. — Room of Sub-Investigating Committee, 
New York. Present, Members of the Committee and 
Tilden. 

Til. I come before you, honored sirs, a man 
Of honest purpose ; contradict who can. , 
Conscious of innocence, I seek redress. 
As stands my case with Hayes, I must confess 



88 HOW TO BECOME PRESIDENT; OR, 

That though de facto, he's not my selection. 

/ was the people's choice the last election. 

I can assure you, I opposed him strong; 

But yet I'm conscious of no earthly wrong 

To him or any other. All this fuss 

About the ciphergrams, I won't discuss. 

They're far beneath my notice. I've no knowledge 

Of base Returning Boards or 'lec'tral college. 

I only know that I was late elected 

To be your President, and then — rejected. 

Now is the winter of my discontent ; 

For I know not where all my money went. 

I paid it cheerfully, in hopes of winning— 

But not with 6xed intent or thought of sinning 

I paid it, and 'tis gone. I've naught to show 
For what it went 

Reed. That's what we want to know. 
And those dispatches, signed by Fox and Coylo 

Til. Oh, curse them ! Curse them ! Wasted all my 
toil 
Through their stupidity. They should have thought 
To first secure the money. Then have bought. 

Reed. But those dispatch 

^^^- I never heard a word 

Concerning them till this d— d muss was stirred. 

Reed. You knew your nephew went to Baltimore ? 

Til. "Well, yes. Long after. 

f^EED. Did you know before ? 

Til. I might but don't remember. But I'm sure 
/ was elected — that my heart is pure. 

Reed. Xow those dispatches 



THE NEW DOCTRINE OF ELECTION. 89 



Til. Never came to me- 

Reed. But to your bouse ? 



Til. To that I'll not agree. 
1 do not know — my mem'ry fails me quite. 
You question me too close. You take delight, 
It seems, in asking matters I 

Reed. Won't tell ? 

Til. Oh, suit yourself. ^Aside.^ (I wish he was 
in ) 

Reed. Well ? 

Til. I tell you once for all, I'd no suspicion 
Of those d — d ciphers, till, in deep contrition 
My nephew came to tell me he had failed 
In buying votes. Then, gentlemen, I railed 
At fortune and at him. Turned him adrift 
Because be failed 

Reed. In giving you a lift? 

Til. No; gentlemen. That nephew! He has spoiled 
My prospects for the place for which I toiled. 
It has been said " where Heav'n denies a son 
The devil sends a nephew." I am one 
To realize the truth of that old sa3'ing 
For mine has ruined me. Nor gold, nor praying, 
Can build me up again 

Reed. You've told us all 

Til. That I intend to as regards m\' fall, 
But I'll repeat my statement o'er and o'er 
That I am President 

Reed. You'll say no more 

About those ciphers ? 

Til. No, indeed. Not I. 

I've heard too much alreadv. Let them die. 



go HOW TO BECOME PRESIDENT; OR, 

Now, gentlemen, permit me to retire — 

I've proved my innocence 

Reporter. \_AKide.'] (Oh, what a liar !) 

As all the world may see. 

Reed. Those teletrrams 

Til. I couldn't tell.them from the Rook of Psalms. 

[Exit.'] 



Scene YII. — Tildeii's office. Present, Tilden alone. 

Til. [/So/i7.] I sighed for bliss ; and that which caused 
the cipher 
I sigh for now, but don't the cipher sigh for. 
E'er since I thought " Returning Boards" were bought, 
I sigh to be a cipher — sigh for nought. 
^^Knockheard.^ Come in ! (I wonder who it is) Come in ! 
I'm sick and tired of this infernal din. 

[Enter Xewspapeh Reporter.] 

Rep. What ails you, my dear sir? You seem cast 
down. 
And sigh for 

Tii,. Cipher.'* ! They have done me brown. 

My mem'ry is a total l)lank. I know 
Xothing about them now. Tell people so. 
I'm .sick and tired of all this talk and fuss, 
And wish the dev'l had those that made the muss. 

R.E1'. I meant to a.-^k, why do you sigh 

'I'll- . I hear, 

And tell you, sirrah, that I have no ear 
For such discourse. 'Tis scarce as sweet as honey — 
This " cipher " talk ami tluit d — d " bar'l of money." 



THE NEW DOCTRINE OF ELECTION. Ql 



Besides, the language used is rather graphi 
" Goparceaers," and such, the " cipher traffic " — 
I tell you once for all, I've had enough 
Of this infernal cipher. Its d — d rough 
That I can't have one single moment's quiet 
Unless I " gobble " it, or, worse yet, buy it. 

Rep. One moment, if you please. You do mistake. 
I priihee, hear me for your conscience' sake. 
I do not mean a cipher thus [0] a nought, 
But sigh for blessings, or from heart o'erwrought. 

Til. I tell you ciphers are the same to me 
Whether from heart o'erwrought, or Florida. 
I have no knowledge of them. I am dead. 
To all dispatches under such a head. , 

Rep. lAside.^ (He seems determined not to under- 
stand. 
I'll try again.) It was at your command 
I called to day to have an interview 
Concerning matters pertinent to you. 
I saw you looking sad and heard your sigh — 

Til. My nephew did it. All the rest's a lie. 
I'm ignorant of what he. Weed, and Marble 
Did in the case. The papers only garble. 

Rep. 'Tis said they sent dispatches to the Park 
Where you reside 

Til. If so they kept it dark. 

For not a cipher came there I could read 
Although I tried them all. I did, indeed. 

Rep. You did get ciphers, then ? 

Til. I tell you, no I 

I mean — don't bother me. I say, although 



92 HOW TO BECOME PRESIDENT; OH, 

I was the one most deeply interested — 

The one whose " bar'l of money " was invested — 

The one who was a President to be — 

They yet kept all those matters safe from me. 

I never heard a word of hopes, or fears, 

Or what was being done. Thus truth appears. 

Nay, more. When those d — d telegrams were sent 

I was in " Russia," purposely intent 

On keeping dark till each Returning Board 

Should make report, and tell whose "ox was gored." 

How, then, could I know aught of this new Moses, 

Or Max, and Fox, and others, truth discloses ? 

It is impossible, howe'er you view it. 

Thus say I, Tildea, so says Abrani Hewitt. 

Rep. I heard your sigh 

Til. I tell you 'twas agreed 

Between my nephew, Moses, Max, and Weed, 
That I should nothing know. That in my breast 
No " cipher " knowledge e'er should find a rest. 
Therefore, my mem'ry's gone. Clean gone away. 
The people won't believe me — but — good day. 

[Exit Reporter sinrjinrj '< Oh, Inifjhfor the rest," §'c.] 

Til. And this is what I sighed for. This is. fame ! 
To miss the prize, and shoulder all the blame. 
To pay my money, then, Alas ! Alas ! 
To have my party write me down — an ass. 
I cannot bear the load. It is too weighty. 
But, never mind. Time flies. In eighteen eighty 
I'll make an ass of them and give them ears 
So long they'll think of me an hundred years. 
Small comfort that to me; but y»>t I'll do it, 
And make them nominate an ass — to rue it. [Exit.l 



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